Dear Reality,
GO AWAY!
Sincerely,
Me
You know you must be a headcase when you find yourself angry that fictional characters are pregnant. I have been reduced to a woman who gives my television the evil eye.
I was watching Eli Stone and half the episode was about one of the characters being pregnant. Of course we needed to see her shopping for maternity clothes and complaining about how fat she is! And yes, we really needed to see her having a sonogram. Don't forget a close up of the baby's heart beating. Yep, there come the tears again. So I'm safe reading a book right? Nope. Evidently characters in books can get pregnant too. Great. The places I come to escape have now become the places that bring me right back to reality.
Sometimes it isn't fictional though and it is that much harder. We got news that a friend of ours has a daughter who is pregnant - again. This would be the second surprise pregnancy for a young mother who unfortunately does not have the means to support one child, let alone two. I wish I could say that my thought immediately went to feeling sorry for her and her children, but that is not true. My first thought was so selfish. Then I get the added dose of guilt. What a wonderfully complicated array of emotions I deal with on a daily basis.
There is a song that has been special to me since last Thanksgiving. It is Thankful by Josh Groban. At first it was a song that made me think of my aunt reading the lyrics to the family before our prayer. This year I began to focus on just a section of the lyrics, ignoring the rest.
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
All I could think about was "what we know can be" and "what we still can't see". In my mind this about was our child. A child that we had with us for a short time. Possibly even the child that we will get to keep here with us... the child in our future. Yes, that is a bit distorted from what the lyrics were intended to be about, but that is what they meant to me. I couldn't hear this song without getting tears in my eyes. But I think I need to focus on the whole song, not just taking lyrics out of context.
Some days we forget
To look around us
Some days we can't see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see.
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.
Look beyond ourselves
There's so much sorrow
It's way too late to say
I'll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It's so long overdue
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There's so much to be thankful for.
Even with our differences
There is a place we're all connected
Each of us can find each other's light
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can't see
It's up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There's so much to be thankful for
I know the message in this song is one that I could benefit from. The truth is that my scale is heavy on the "blessings" side and light on the "wants" side.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
'Tis the Season
For all of the images that Christmas brings to mind, generosity should definitely be at the top of that list. It surrounds us this time of year, especially if you are paying attention. I've been fortunate enough to be on the receiving end of some generosity this year. It came from different people in all different forms.
A hug from a nurse.
Flowers from a friend.
A card from an aunt.
Sweet words from an uncle.
A text from a cousin.
A shift covered by a coworker.
A call from a family member who had a loss not too long ago.
Lots of hugs and kisses from my husband.
My mom's long visit during a very difficult time.
My dad making the drive to our house because I needed some extra time with them.
A special angel ornament from my family.
Flowers from a friend.
A card from an aunt.
Sweet words from an uncle.
A text from a cousin.
A shift covered by a coworker.
A call from a family member who had a loss not too long ago.
Lots of hugs and kisses from my husband.
My mom's long visit during a very difficult time.
My dad making the drive to our house because I needed some extra time with them.
A special angel ornament from my family.
While I am sure I would not have chosen this particular path if it were in my control, I do realize that God has chosen it for me for some reason. I'm sure I will never completely understand, but that does not mean that I should not try and find the good in all of this. If I were to pick the most obvious, it would be the appreciation I have for everyone that has shown me compassion.
This is a stocking that was made for me by someone who has also had a loss. She was sweet enough to volunteer to make a stockings for the girls on the internet loss board that I have been a part of. Just a little more generosity to be thankful for.
This is a stocking that was made for me by someone who has also had a loss. She was sweet enough to volunteer to make a stockings for the girls on the internet loss board that I have been a part of. Just a little more generosity to be thankful for.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Call Me Mrs. Grinch
I'm a bad banana with a greasy black peel. Mr. Grinch has nothing on me.
The Christmas season is in full swing and I am just not quite feeling the cheer this year. The thought of all the Christmas shopping I have yet to do is not helping the mood either. I know my story is not anything compared to all of the sad stories out there. Jason was just watching the Jimmy V Classic and it really made me feel selfish for being sad. People deal with much worse and I really need to remember that. But, sometimes a pity party seems inescapable and I've been an attendee of this party since October 21st. I may have left a few times, but I'm always showing back up. Tissues in hand and a puffy face that would only be acceptable at this type of party. What makes me return? The presence of a pregnant woman, a baby sighting, a quiet moment that allows me too much time to think, or taking a peek into my memory box that holds some precious sonogram photos and other mementos. They all bring me back to this party that only has one guest. Pretty pathetic party I guess.
I did decide it was time to do some Christmas decorating. After 6 years in this house, we finally bought Christmas lights for our house. We spent a good part of our Sunday working on putting them up. I stood on the ground watching Jason nervously on the roof, hoping he would not decide to do one of his impressions of Clark Griswald while he was up there. (He did fall off a ladder one time putting up lights at my parent's house, so I had reason for concern.) Now our house will be emitting all kinds of Christmas cheer that may not be equally represented by one of the people in it, but I'm determined to try. Even the Grinch ends up celebrating Christmas with all the Whos in Whoville.
The Christmas season is in full swing and I am just not quite feeling the cheer this year. The thought of all the Christmas shopping I have yet to do is not helping the mood either. I know my story is not anything compared to all of the sad stories out there. Jason was just watching the Jimmy V Classic and it really made me feel selfish for being sad. People deal with much worse and I really need to remember that. But, sometimes a pity party seems inescapable and I've been an attendee of this party since October 21st. I may have left a few times, but I'm always showing back up. Tissues in hand and a puffy face that would only be acceptable at this type of party. What makes me return? The presence of a pregnant woman, a baby sighting, a quiet moment that allows me too much time to think, or taking a peek into my memory box that holds some precious sonogram photos and other mementos. They all bring me back to this party that only has one guest. Pretty pathetic party I guess.
I did decide it was time to do some Christmas decorating. After 6 years in this house, we finally bought Christmas lights for our house. We spent a good part of our Sunday working on putting them up. I stood on the ground watching Jason nervously on the roof, hoping he would not decide to do one of his impressions of Clark Griswald while he was up there. (He did fall off a ladder one time putting up lights at my parent's house, so I had reason for concern.) Now our house will be emitting all kinds of Christmas cheer that may not be equally represented by one of the people in it, but I'm determined to try. Even the Grinch ends up celebrating Christmas with all the Whos in Whoville.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Our Angel
Sept. 26, 2008
This will forever be a day that changed my life.
I took a pregnancy test really not expecting it to be positive. Sure, I had some symptoms, but I had symptoms in the past that never amounted to anything other than me kicking myself for getting my hopes up. This time it was different. Two lines. One much lighter than the other, but still, two lines. I took another test in case there was some sort of mistake. Two lines again. I thanked God, I sobbed, I screamed, I sobbed again. I raced to the store to get a digital because I needed to see the word... I took the third test of the day and in about ten seconds the most beautiful word popped up. Pregnant. I could hardly process what was happening at this point. All I was sure about is that I was so happy I was about to burst (that would explain the screaming earlier). Jason and I were going to be parents.
Later that night I gave Jason a wrapped Tigger rattle that had sat in my closet for too long. He opened it with a puzzled face... "What is this for?". I told him he was going to be a daddy. "Is this for sure?" was his response, and I assured him it was. Three tests told me so. We hugged.
I called my doctor and had the blood test done. Positive again. Now there was no question, I was pregnant and my beta was 560. I went in for a sonogram on October 8th and saw the yolk sac. More proof that I was not dreaming and this was for real.
October 13, 2008
I ended up having some light spotting over the weekend that sent me into a panic. I called my doctor and they said I could come in again on Monday to check and make sure things were okay. I had another sonogram on October 13th. I miss that day. That was the one and only time I ever saw my baby's heart beating. It was the smallest little blip on the screen, but so amazingly beautiful. I wish so much that I could have seen it more than just that one time. On the other hand, I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to see it at all (a real benefit of seeing an RE). That little tiny baby inside of me had life of it's own and I was able to see it on that grainy, black and white screen.
October 13, 2008 - our sweet tiny baby
The next couple of days I felt so optimistic. I felt like things were going to be okay and I just needed to enjoy being pregnant. But, worrying is unfortunately a hard habit to break, and for whatever reason I started feeling anxious again. I'm not sure if it was just my nature creeping back in or if somehow I knew something was not right.
October 21, 2008
Unfortunately, I will always remember this day with sadness. This was the day of my first OB appointment. A couple of days before I had a little more spotting so I let them know when I checked in. Jason and I waited a very long hour before we finally were called back for a sonogram. The sonographer started and let me know she would be looking for a heartbeat. She just stared at that screen for what seemed like forever. I already knew, but I had to ask. "You don't see it do you?" Her answer broke my heart into a million pieces - "No honey, I don't. I'm sorry.".
That was it. Our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and 3 days. Two days after I saw the heartbeat. October 15, 2008. Strangely enough, that is Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Awareness Day. What sad irony.
I hated the thought of a D&C. I had already had two surgeries and I was not wanting a third. Even more, I detested the thought of having my baby removed. I felt like my body should do it on its own, no matter how hard the process would be. I let the doctor know my wishes and he understood, he would let us wait. A week went by and I had to go in for another sonogram. I didn't want to look at the screen but I had to. I cannot express how sad it was to see our little one without a heartbeat again. But I just had to look, it was still our baby, even if it was only the physical remains. That was the last time I saw him too. (In my mind, I had decided it was a boy. We will never know and it really doesn't matter.) We scheduled a D&C for the next Monday after speaking with the doctor. My body wasn't letting go... I didn't want to let go either. Maybe I was holding on emotionally and somehow my body translated this into a physical action. Maybe that is crazy, I don't know.
November 3, 2008
My D&C went smoothly. Physically it was easy, emotionally it was heart wrenching. Right before my surgery I cried knowing that I would wake up without our little one. I don't remember much about the recovery room except that I wept. A sweet nurse was right there to comfort and even empathize, she told me she had lost a baby too. I just felt an aching that I'd never known before. An aching that is still there right now and I have a feeling will always be there somewhere. I missed our baby so much. You never realize that something so tiny can make such an enormous impact on your life. The instant love, the overwhelming feeling of gratitude, the sheer panic at the thought of anything happening - my life had changed so dramatically before I even had my first sonogram. And now it seemed like it was over. As quickly as our little one had come, he was gone.
I had a dream a few days later. All I remember was I saw a baby's face and lots of light all around. The baby was looking off to the side, smiling, and it was the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I distincly remember blue eyes, the same color as mine and Jason's. It was neither a boy nor girl, just a baby. Angelic. I take comfort in this image. I think it was my glimpse of our baby in Heaven.
This will forever be a day that changed my life.
I took a pregnancy test really not expecting it to be positive. Sure, I had some symptoms, but I had symptoms in the past that never amounted to anything other than me kicking myself for getting my hopes up. This time it was different. Two lines. One much lighter than the other, but still, two lines. I took another test in case there was some sort of mistake. Two lines again. I thanked God, I sobbed, I screamed, I sobbed again. I raced to the store to get a digital because I needed to see the word... I took the third test of the day and in about ten seconds the most beautiful word popped up. Pregnant. I could hardly process what was happening at this point. All I was sure about is that I was so happy I was about to burst (that would explain the screaming earlier). Jason and I were going to be parents.
I called my doctor and had the blood test done. Positive again. Now there was no question, I was pregnant and my beta was 560. I went in for a sonogram on October 8th and saw the yolk sac. More proof that I was not dreaming and this was for real.
October 13, 2008
I ended up having some light spotting over the weekend that sent me into a panic. I called my doctor and they said I could come in again on Monday to check and make sure things were okay. I had another sonogram on October 13th. I miss that day. That was the one and only time I ever saw my baby's heart beating. It was the smallest little blip on the screen, but so amazingly beautiful. I wish so much that I could have seen it more than just that one time. On the other hand, I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to see it at all (a real benefit of seeing an RE). That little tiny baby inside of me had life of it's own and I was able to see it on that grainy, black and white screen.
October 13, 2008 - our sweet tiny baby
The next couple of days I felt so optimistic. I felt like things were going to be okay and I just needed to enjoy being pregnant. But, worrying is unfortunately a hard habit to break, and for whatever reason I started feeling anxious again. I'm not sure if it was just my nature creeping back in or if somehow I knew something was not right.
October 21, 2008
Unfortunately, I will always remember this day with sadness. This was the day of my first OB appointment. A couple of days before I had a little more spotting so I let them know when I checked in. Jason and I waited a very long hour before we finally were called back for a sonogram. The sonographer started and let me know she would be looking for a heartbeat. She just stared at that screen for what seemed like forever. I already knew, but I had to ask. "You don't see it do you?" Her answer broke my heart into a million pieces - "No honey, I don't. I'm sorry.".
That was it. Our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and 3 days. Two days after I saw the heartbeat. October 15, 2008. Strangely enough, that is Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Awareness Day. What sad irony.
I hated the thought of a D&C. I had already had two surgeries and I was not wanting a third. Even more, I detested the thought of having my baby removed. I felt like my body should do it on its own, no matter how hard the process would be. I let the doctor know my wishes and he understood, he would let us wait. A week went by and I had to go in for another sonogram. I didn't want to look at the screen but I had to. I cannot express how sad it was to see our little one without a heartbeat again. But I just had to look, it was still our baby, even if it was only the physical remains. That was the last time I saw him too. (In my mind, I had decided it was a boy. We will never know and it really doesn't matter.) We scheduled a D&C for the next Monday after speaking with the doctor. My body wasn't letting go... I didn't want to let go either. Maybe I was holding on emotionally and somehow my body translated this into a physical action. Maybe that is crazy, I don't know.
November 3, 2008
My D&C went smoothly. Physically it was easy, emotionally it was heart wrenching. Right before my surgery I cried knowing that I would wake up without our little one. I don't remember much about the recovery room except that I wept. A sweet nurse was right there to comfort and even empathize, she told me she had lost a baby too. I just felt an aching that I'd never known before. An aching that is still there right now and I have a feeling will always be there somewhere. I missed our baby so much. You never realize that something so tiny can make such an enormous impact on your life. The instant love, the overwhelming feeling of gratitude, the sheer panic at the thought of anything happening - my life had changed so dramatically before I even had my first sonogram. And now it seemed like it was over. As quickly as our little one had come, he was gone.
I had a dream a few days later. All I remember was I saw a baby's face and lots of light all around. The baby was looking off to the side, smiling, and it was the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I distincly remember blue eyes, the same color as mine and Jason's. It was neither a boy nor girl, just a baby. Angelic. I take comfort in this image. I think it was my glimpse of our baby in Heaven.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The Beginning and then some
Well, the story really began 6 years and 123 days ago....
August 3, 2002
Our wedding day. The day I married the man that comforts me when I'm sad, gives me a kiss every day before work, has made me laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe... my love and my very best friend.
Over the course of six years and 123 days we have made so many memories. Vacations to Las Vegas, Grand Cayman, Hawaii, New York City and lots of other places in between. Birthdays, anniversaries and plenty of lazy Sundays spent on the couch in our pajamas. So what? We like being lazy, especially when we get to be lazy together. That is just our style, and I'm glad that we can agree that it is okay to shower at 2 in the afternoon on the weekend. Who needs to be productive? We can be productive tomorrow.
In that time I have realized, more times than I can count, how wonderful my husband is. It has been more recently though that the idea has been solidified in the most meaningful way. He has held me and kissed me so many times lately and each time I feel grateful for what we have, even taking into account for what we have lost. That brings me to our journey of trying to conceive.
In all seriousness, I have been wanting a baby since I was a child. I begged to help change diapers when I was a wee little one (does that mean I was a weird kid?). I volunteered for a Mother's Day Out program when I was a teenager. No money in it for me, just being around the kiddos was enough. I worked on and off for a daycare, worked at a preschool and even my major was studying child development. Can we say obsessed? I guess I have surrounded myself with one certainty in my life. I enjoy being around children and can't wait to have my own little rug rats to spoil and fawn over. For all the sleepless nights, stress induced headaches and marital disagreements, there must be something good about having kids. Why else would people be doing it? Or having more than one? I want in on the experience now, I want to see what the fuss is about. And it helps that they come out so cute and cuddly. They get you hooked right off the bat so when they turn into toddler monsters you will endure the tantrums in the grocery store while onlookers judge your lack of parenting skills. Yes. It will be worth it.
I figured we would start trying about 3 years into our marriage. But, it had to be a mutual agreement and it turns out it wasn't "mutual" until we had been married for almost 5. April 2007 marks the actual beginning of this particular journey. No, that doesn't count me scouring the internet for info on how to keep track of my cycles making it easier to get pregnant faster (thank you pg.org!) and taking prenatal vitamins so my body would be stocked up on folic acid. I had begun the preparations and FINALLY my husband was ready for us to make our threesome - don't forget Daisy - a foursome. April 2007 is when I traded my sanity for ovulation kits and my patience for pregnancy tests. Later it would become my money for doctors visits.
So time passes along with too many negative pregnancy tests. I tell you, I began to hate that blank white space where that second line was supposed to be so much, it was unhealthy. A stupid inanimate object became my enemy and it seemed the hatred was mutual. It was as if those tests were mocking me in my naive belief that I could actually be pregnant. Sheesh, what was I thinking?
Well, sometime around January of 2008 I decided I wanted some answers. I felt for some time that something was wrong. Too many unexplained pains on the left side of my abdomen. I went to my Gynecologist and he referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Well, it turns out that first doctor rubbed me the wrong way, or should I say the intern that he let do all the work? Either way I decided I needed to find another doctor and my internet search began. There really should be an easier way to find a doctor you can trust with your reproductive organs... I really am attached to them. Finally, I found Dr. J and he looked like the most promising thing since this whole journey began. His ultrasounds showed something weird going on around my left ovary and I had a uterine septum. That last doctor really was a wacko... he never mentioned either of these things. I am glad I followed my instincts.
April 21, 2008
A laparoscopy was the first big step we took to getting some answers. It turns out that my left fallopian tube was filled with fluid - hydosalphynx - and there was an abnormality in the way it had formed. Basically it was not even connected to my uterus correctly and was only causing inflammation and irritation in the place where an embryo would try to make a home. Not very welcoming. So he removed the tube. I never knew I could mourn a body part, but I did. I felt like part of what made me a woman (and in turn, a mother) was gone and it was so cruel to not have had any warning. In retrospect it was a good thing to have the troublesome tube removed, but it still hurt none the less.
My uterine septum was not removed during the surgery b/c of the inflammation in my uterus. Dr. J decided I needed to take the dreaded Lupron which I had read horrible things about. But I decided to trust my doctor and I endured two months of the crazed out hormones of a menopausal woman (and my husband, my poor husband). Over the next two months I got shots in my rear so I could suffer hot flashes during some of the hottest summer months in Texas. Excellent timing! The norm became sleepless nights of stripping off my night clothes and worshiping the remote controlled fan I had placed at my feet. Oh fan, how you got me through some miserable times, thank you. How embarrassing though when someone is talking to you and suddenly you feel the hot flash coming on. You flush and sweat like you just finished running a marathon and you are trying to look for something, ANYTHING to fan yourself with. Don't get me started on the back sweat - ew.
July 7, 2008
My hysteroscopy was performed. No complications or surprises this time much to my relief. He said my baby basket looked much better and the Lupron had done its job. Now it was just time to heal up and wait for aunt flow to come back to town.
August 30, 2008
She had arrived! She brought along some agonizing pain that I can only chalk up to healing or adhesions from the surgery. But, the good news was that my body was getting back on track and we were ready to try for a baby - again.
I think I will save the best and worst part for another day.
August 3, 2002
Our wedding day. The day I married the man that comforts me when I'm sad, gives me a kiss every day before work, has made me laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe... my love and my very best friend.
Over the course of six years and 123 days we have made so many memories. Vacations to Las Vegas, Grand Cayman, Hawaii, New York City and lots of other places in between. Birthdays, anniversaries and plenty of lazy Sundays spent on the couch in our pajamas. So what? We like being lazy, especially when we get to be lazy together. That is just our style, and I'm glad that we can agree that it is okay to shower at 2 in the afternoon on the weekend. Who needs to be productive? We can be productive tomorrow.
New York City Oct. 2008
In that time I have realized, more times than I can count, how wonderful my husband is. It has been more recently though that the idea has been solidified in the most meaningful way. He has held me and kissed me so many times lately and each time I feel grateful for what we have, even taking into account for what we have lost. That brings me to our journey of trying to conceive.
In all seriousness, I have been wanting a baby since I was a child. I begged to help change diapers when I was a wee little one (does that mean I was a weird kid?). I volunteered for a Mother's Day Out program when I was a teenager. No money in it for me, just being around the kiddos was enough. I worked on and off for a daycare, worked at a preschool and even my major was studying child development. Can we say obsessed? I guess I have surrounded myself with one certainty in my life. I enjoy being around children and can't wait to have my own little rug rats to spoil and fawn over. For all the sleepless nights, stress induced headaches and marital disagreements, there must be something good about having kids. Why else would people be doing it? Or having more than one? I want in on the experience now, I want to see what the fuss is about. And it helps that they come out so cute and cuddly. They get you hooked right off the bat so when they turn into toddler monsters you will endure the tantrums in the grocery store while onlookers judge your lack of parenting skills. Yes. It will be worth it.
I figured we would start trying about 3 years into our marriage. But, it had to be a mutual agreement and it turns out it wasn't "mutual" until we had been married for almost 5. April 2007 marks the actual beginning of this particular journey. No, that doesn't count me scouring the internet for info on how to keep track of my cycles making it easier to get pregnant faster (thank you pg.org!) and taking prenatal vitamins so my body would be stocked up on folic acid. I had begun the preparations and FINALLY my husband was ready for us to make our threesome - don't forget Daisy - a foursome. April 2007 is when I traded my sanity for ovulation kits and my patience for pregnancy tests. Later it would become my money for doctors visits.
So time passes along with too many negative pregnancy tests. I tell you, I began to hate that blank white space where that second line was supposed to be so much, it was unhealthy. A stupid inanimate object became my enemy and it seemed the hatred was mutual. It was as if those tests were mocking me in my naive belief that I could actually be pregnant. Sheesh, what was I thinking?
Well, sometime around January of 2008 I decided I wanted some answers. I felt for some time that something was wrong. Too many unexplained pains on the left side of my abdomen. I went to my Gynecologist and he referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Well, it turns out that first doctor rubbed me the wrong way, or should I say the intern that he let do all the work? Either way I decided I needed to find another doctor and my internet search began. There really should be an easier way to find a doctor you can trust with your reproductive organs... I really am attached to them. Finally, I found Dr. J and he looked like the most promising thing since this whole journey began. His ultrasounds showed something weird going on around my left ovary and I had a uterine septum. That last doctor really was a wacko... he never mentioned either of these things. I am glad I followed my instincts.
April 21, 2008
A laparoscopy was the first big step we took to getting some answers. It turns out that my left fallopian tube was filled with fluid - hydosalphynx - and there was an abnormality in the way it had formed. Basically it was not even connected to my uterus correctly and was only causing inflammation and irritation in the place where an embryo would try to make a home. Not very welcoming. So he removed the tube. I never knew I could mourn a body part, but I did. I felt like part of what made me a woman (and in turn, a mother) was gone and it was so cruel to not have had any warning. In retrospect it was a good thing to have the troublesome tube removed, but it still hurt none the less.
My uterine septum was not removed during the surgery b/c of the inflammation in my uterus. Dr. J decided I needed to take the dreaded Lupron which I had read horrible things about. But I decided to trust my doctor and I endured two months of the crazed out hormones of a menopausal woman (and my husband, my poor husband). Over the next two months I got shots in my rear so I could suffer hot flashes during some of the hottest summer months in Texas. Excellent timing! The norm became sleepless nights of stripping off my night clothes and worshiping the remote controlled fan I had placed at my feet. Oh fan, how you got me through some miserable times, thank you. How embarrassing though when someone is talking to you and suddenly you feel the hot flash coming on. You flush and sweat like you just finished running a marathon and you are trying to look for something, ANYTHING to fan yourself with. Don't get me started on the back sweat - ew.
July 7, 2008
My hysteroscopy was performed. No complications or surprises this time much to my relief. He said my baby basket looked much better and the Lupron had done its job. Now it was just time to heal up and wait for aunt flow to come back to town.
August 30, 2008
She had arrived! She brought along some agonizing pain that I can only chalk up to healing or adhesions from the surgery. But, the good news was that my body was getting back on track and we were ready to try for a baby - again.
I think I will save the best and worst part for another day.
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