Easter Eggs, and Everyting Else

I think a few updates are in order, so here they are.

My mom is doing well. Her surgery was Friday and it did not reveal any surprises which is great. Unfortunately she was put through a very painful procedure before the surgery and we are all upset that the people who were supposed to be taking care of her did not show the compassion she deserved. Hopefully her speaking up to her doctor will result in a change in the ladies' attitudes who were responsible for causing my mom so much pain. In about a month she will start six weeks of radiation. I'm thankful that everything has gone smoothly and pray that her treatment will continue to go well. She is a strong woman!

After her surgery we headed to my parent's house to spend the rest of Easter weekend. Of course there was some egg coloring, it's tradition! I don't care how old I am, I will always enjoy coloring eggs. We also went up to my dad's plant farm which is always fun. All of the beautiful flowers are arranged in a sort of patchwork design. Flowers are always pretty, but when you have hundreds of them in one place it's overwhelmingly gorgeous! (Pics to come, they are on my sister's camera.)

Our floors are still not finished. Carpet will be put in tomorrow and then finally I can clean this place! I never realized what a mess it would leave behind, but I think our house will be cleaner than it's ever been when all is said and done. We will be scrubbing just about every surface and it makes me tired just thinking about it. I have some before and after picks of the tile and wood but I will wait until everything is done to post them all.

I'm still in the two week wait. I'm 10dpo and my temps have gone up a bit. I had a big drop 8dpo and of course I can't help but wonder if it is an implantation dip. It seems so silly to study my chart with such scrutiny, but I never claimed to be rational did I?

Dust Bowl and 5 dpo

My only ttc update is I'm 5dpo with some flat temps above the coverline. They are lower than usual but I'm not sure if this holds any significance. I tell myself that I only temp to confirm ovulation, but after 5 days of temps above the coverline I could stop. Will I? Probably not. I have an insatiable curiosity of what is going on and the two week wait sometimes seems to last way more than 14 days. At that point I'm not peeing in cups anymore and maybe I just feel like I need something to do. Anything. So, I keep temping and I look at the chart like it's going to speak to me in some way that it didn't the day before. Oh well, I will get through this one just like I've gotten through all the others! I hold out hope that there is a possibility. And just for a little extra fun (and more of that curiosity) I looked up what the due date would be. Christmas Day. Now I used to protest the idea of having a Christmas baby, but Lord, I will happily accept such a wonderful gift. I promise.

On a completely unrelated note, the demolotion of our floors began today. The dust, the horror! I knew it was going to be bad and I covered our couches and electronics with blankets, but the dust is everywhere. Let me say that again. Everywhere. It looks like a dust storm happened in my house or that I've neglected to break out the pledge for a couple of years. In fact it is worse than that. It's on door handles, picture frames, lamp shades... the clean up will require a bit more than a swiffer for sure. I took some before pictures last night and when it is all done, I will take my after pics and share them. Now excuse me while I cry a little. Don't worry, it's just the dust in my eyes.

The April Fool

I had decided that I would write today because it is an anniversary of sorts. Two years trying to conceive. Not really the sort of anniversary you want to celebrate, but exists just the same. I do however feel like it gives me some sort of clout. If someone is going through some challenges, I feel like I can at least speak from some personal experience. This has definitely been the biggest struggle of my life so far. That may be a blessing to be able to say that. That thought has not escaped me, I promise. It doesn't necessarily make days like today any better. You know the saying "it's just one of those days"? Well today is one of those days. It reminds me of a poem that I read a hundred times as a kid (as well as heard my sisters rehearse since they had it memorized).

I Found a Four-Leaf Clover

by Jack Prelutsky

I found a four-leaf clover

and was happy with my find,

but with time to think it over,

I’ve entirely changed my mind.

I concealed it in my pocket,

safe inside a paper pad,

soon, much swifter than a rocket,

my good fortune turned to bad.

I smashed my fingers in a door,

I dropped a dozen eggs,

I slipped and tumbled to the floor,

a dog nipped both my legs,

my ring slid down the bathtub drain,

my pen leaked on my shirt,

I barked my shin, I missed my train,

I sat on my dessert.

I broke my brand-new glasses,

and I couldn’t find my keys,

I stepped in spilled molasses,

and was stung by angry bees.

When the kitten ripped the curtain,

and the toast burst into flame,

I was absolutely certain

that the clover was to blame.

I buried it discreetly

in the middle of a field,

now my luck has changed completely,

and my wounds have almost healed.

If I ever find another,

I will simply let it be,

or I’ll give it to my brother—

he deserves it more than me.

That has been my day minus the four leaf clover. Let me just say that between the kids behavior at work, another negative opk, a jury summons in the mail and a near attack by a wasp, I have not lost the humor of it being April fools day. Well, maybe I've lost the humor for the moment but it might be funny tomorrow.

My boss showed me a picture of her new grandbaby and it was all I could do to not burst into tears because the baby was so beautiful. So cheers! Here is to tomorrow being a better day.

Appointment Update

Just a quick note to say that my appointment went well. My doctor said that the sonogram did not show anything to be concerned about and that adhesions are probably the culprit. I was pretty much convinced that this was the case, but I feel better hearing it from my doctor. He also said that I could come back and start Clomid whenever I wanted to. Jason and I talked about it and if nothing has happened by August then we may start taking a more aggressive approach to this. We are both hoping that Clomid will not be necessary!

Floor, Chords and Planting in a Row

There is not much to report on the ttc front. I have an appointment tomorrow with my RE for a sonogram. It's been a year since he removed my fallopian tube and it is time to find out why I'm still having pain. It's probably nothing, but I will feel better hearing that from my doctor.

In other news, we are getting closer to new flooring. I'm dreading the actual work being done but I will be thrilled when it is all finished. Daisy threw up on the carpet the other day (our fault for not being home in time to feed her by her strict eating time). I explained to her that this will be unacceptable after the new carpet is put in. Is it possible to train a dog to throw up on tile floors only? Better yet, a trash can? If we are home she will run to the back door, so she must realize that throwing up indoors is less than preferable. Enough about that. I will be sure to post before and after pics of the flooring when the time comes.

I have always loved the sound of acoustic music. I thought it would be great if I could learn to play guitar (and even better if I could sing, but what can ya do?). So I decided that maybe I should just try and learn. Latey I have felt so much like my life is on hold. Trying to conceive for two years will do that to you I guess. So I thought maybe if I had a project that would show actual results I would feel like I'm still moving forward. Today Jason and I picked up a beginner Fender guitar. I learned how to tune it and have even practiced a few chords. On a related note, the fingers on my left hand are a little sore as I type. :)

Last but not least, the yard is getting a bit of sprucing up now that Spring has arrived. Yesterday was all about weeding out... well, the weeds. I hope to do some planting this week in our front yard. I hope to eventually get a little garden going in the back yard, but I will focus on the front first. I'm sure our neighbors will appreciate that.

What's Luck Got To Do, Got To Do With It?

Unlucky?

Lucky?

Which is it?

Both I suppose. Or rather it is all part of a much bigger plan that I will discover one day, one minute, one second at a time.

Yesterday I woke up and immediately broke into tears. I am facing what I fear to be another failed cycle of trying and I just had to cry. I cried because I was born with less than stellar reproductive organs. I cried because I wish I was still pregnant. I cried because on top of all of that, my mother is facing breast cancer. I felt angry, sad, frustrated and confused. Mostly I felt overwhelmed. The feeling of unlucky washed over me and I just had to cry. Sometimes the gray areas of your life muddle the bright and happy colors that truly surround you. The fact that I have a loving husband, a wonderful family, caring friends, sweet coworkers, the best little dog and a comfortable life just get lost somewhere in the mix. Luckily those days are much fewer than the good days. They seem to be somewhat of a necessary evil for me though. It seems that I have a reserve for all of the bad feelings and when I hit my limit it is time to purge. Yesterday was purge day. Today was a much better day. I spent it with Jason who had put in a 13 hour day yesterday (Saturday!). I missed him and was so glad to have a day just for the two of us. Days like today help me remember to have a little more gratitude and a little less attitude.

Did I just say that with a serious face?

They Say it's Your Birthday

So, today is my birthday. It may sound a bit dramatic, but I've been a little bummed about turning another year older. I thought we would have our first child when I was 26. Now here I am turning 28 without children and without a pregnancy. I remember in October I was imagining all of the things I would be doing pregnant. My birthday was one of them. I feel like I'm following this imaginary time line. The time line of my would-be pregnancy. I wonder if I will feel any different after June 7th, our due date. I also wonder what my 29th birthday will look like next year. I'm optimistic.

But it hasn't been a complete bust. We had our family birthday party last weekend. Jason and I also went to Macaroni Grill on Sunday and I had some delicious grilled salmon, risotto and tiramisu. Tonight Jason and I decided to finally try some sushi. We have been talking about trying it out to see what the fuss is about. Tonight seemed as good a night as any. So about that...

I hate sushi! I didn't know it until tonight, but I think sushi must be the most over hyped food ever. The thing about it is that you cannot really take small bites. It is all or nothing. So I went all in. I put the Philadelphi Roll in my mouth and immediately regretted it. Ew. Next I tried the California Roll and it was only tolerable but verging on gross. I managed to eat a few of the slices and then started listing all of the fast food places on the way home. Jason and I couldn't stop laughing about it. Our waiter cleared our plates and asked how we liked it. Somehow we managed to get around answering that question. Oh, and my Sonic corndog and chocolate malt were delicious.

I'm a simple gal.