Waiting

I have this memory...

I'm probably 7 or 8 and I'm in the kitchen with my mom. My birthday is in a week or so and I can hardly stand the wait. I remember saying to my mom "But I wish my birthday was today! I want it to be my birthday now!". I'm sure she has some kind, motherly words of wisdom about how I would just have to wait and it would be here soon enough. It may have been true but that didn't necessarily make the wait any easier.

That's how I feel some days. It just hits me. I want to be pregnant now! I don't want to wait anymore. Yes, we've only been trying for two years and in the scheme of things that isn't all that long (although sometimes it feels like a lifetime). But in reality, I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. When we got married I knew we would wait a couple of years and I was very patient at first. Then after three or so years I started asking Jason, "So when do you think we could start trying? How about now?". When we started trying in April of 2007 I was so happy that my dream of being a mother would be a reality before too much longer. I felt like I had done all the waiting already. But I sit here now... still waiting.

I believe it will happen.

I do. I just want it to be now. God's answer is to wait and I am doing my absolute hardest to accept that answer with some grace.

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
~Stanislaw J. Lec

Working for the Weekend

Well it's Monday again.

Jason and I had a nice long weekend together. Thursday evening we enjoyed some yummy Pei Wei which I had been planning and looking forward to all week. Friday and Saturday were spent working around the house at a leisurely pace (that seems to be our ONLY pace, but at least we are in sync). Saturday night we made homemade pizza which was delicious. Sunday was the best because we spent most of the day on a date. First it was taking in a hockey game by a local team who is in the finals. We cheered, we clapped, we stood on our feet. We were freezing (who would have thought sitting in front of a rink of ice would be cold... ?) and those metal benches made our butts ache, but we had a great time. It didn't hurt that our team won 6-2. We are planning on going to the game on Wednesday which we are hoping will be the game where they win it all. After the game we went to dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant for some sizzling fajitas.

There was no baby talk, no pregnancy talk, no ovulation talk. No "ifs", "whens" or "whys". Just a good time for two people who really enjoy each others company.

TTC Status: cd 17 and still waiting to ovulate.
Mental Status: feeling surprisingly patient
Weather Status: lovely outside today

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~ Rita Rudner

Dreaming

I dream just about every night. I dream about anything and everything. Since we started ttc I have had a lot of dreams of us having a child. Always a girl though. For some reason I'd always been able to picture us with girls, but not boys. That was the case until our pregnancy anyway. I still feel in my heart that our little baby was a boy. The other night I dreamt that we had a baby boy. I can say with almost absolute certainty that I have never had a dream of us having a boy. I picked him up, snuggled him and gave him kisses. I was so incredibly happy.

I'm so ready for that dream to be real.

I'm so ready to not be this person anymore.

I'm ready to be happy again. Yes, I'm happy plenty of the time, but it's a fragile sort of happiness. A happiness that can be snatched away at any second. Sometimes I manage to push the sadness way back, all the way back to where I almost forget it's there. But I don't think I ever truly forget.

Fantastical Folate

If you are not interested in the ttc info then just skip down to the recipes. I promise they will not disappoint!

It doesn't take a lot of reading about ttc before you run across how important folate is in the very early stages of pregnancy. Getting plenty of folate early on will reduce a mother's risk of having a baby with neural tube defects, heart defects, cleft palate and other congenital malformations. In fact, it's best if you supplement up to a couple of months before you even start ttc. Folic acid is the synthetic form of the B vitamin that you will find in supplements and fortified foods. Folic acid is absorbed easier than naturally occurring folate, but folate provides other benefits that the supplements will not provide. If you are eating a food that is high in folate then you are likely getting some other vitamins, as well as fiber. Go here to get more information on the health benefits and a list of foods that are good sources of folate.

My recent focus has been on eating more spinach. It's been one of the easiest "folate foods" to work into my diet. Don't believe me? Spinach shake anyone? I'll get to that in a minute.

Southwest Chicken Bowl - This is a low calorie dish with lots of protein, some fiber and yummy fresh spinach of course!

Ingredients
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 pound chicken breast, chopped up small
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 Roma tomato
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup of your favorite salsa
1 can pinto beans, rinsed and drained
- fresh spinach, torn up into bite sized pieces
- shredded Parmesan cheese

Directions
1) In nonstick skillet, heat olive oil on medium heat for 1 minute. Add chicken, chili powder, ground cumin, and salt. I like the chicken to be coated with the spices before I add the bell pepper and tomato, but you can add those veggies as soon as you get the spices mixed in with the chicken. Cook, stirring occasionally, until chicken looses pink color throughout. Stir in salsa and beans; cook 5 minutes to blend flavors and heat through.

2) Tear up spinach leaves and put into each person's bowl (however much you like). Spoon in chicken mixture and top with shredded Parmesan cheese if you like.

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A fellow blogger has a recipe for a spinach shake. I haven't actually tried this recipe yet (give me time!), but it gave me the idea to add spinach to my fruit smoothies. I never measure my smoothies, but it's hard to go wrong!

Ingredients
approx. 1/4 cup orange juice
approx. 1/4 cup low fat plain yogurt
banana
frozen strawberries
frozen blackberries
frozen blueberries
A handful of spinach (remove stems)


I find it is best to put in the orange juice, yogurt and spinach fist. Blend it well and then start to add the fruits one at a time, blending between each one. If you put everything in all at once then your blender will have a hard time chopping it all up. The first time I made this I was apprehensive about adding too much spinach. I did a taste test and ended up adding even more spinach because I really couldn't taste it!

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Make a salad with fresh spinach instead of iceberg lettuce (romaine would be a good alternative as well). I like to throw on some baby carrots, sliced almonds, feta cheese (which needs to be made from pasteurized milk) and a low fat dressing. Raw broccoli would be a great addition to this as well. Broccoli is not just a good source of folate, it also contains vitamin A, vitamin C, fiber and even some calcium.

I'm strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach..
~Popeye the Sailor Man

Spring Time is Clean Time

Twice a year I dig into the depths of my closet to make the summer and winter clothes exchange. It just so happened that our flooring project (and therefore cleaning project) has taken place at just the right time for the switch. Twice a year I make the same conclusion. I have too much crap. God was laughing when he created a pack rat sentimental fool who despises clutter. I'm constantly at battle with myself as I do my best to decipher what shall stay and what shall be donated or thrown away. A glimpse into my internal dialogue...

Oh, I forgot I had that shirt. How long have I had this? How long since I wore it last? It's been a while.... But what if I wake up one day and want to wear this shirt? Keep pile.

Ooh, that's dusty.

Why did I keep a purse with a broken strap?

Now these are nice boots. A little outdated, but I know I spent $70 on these puppies. Hmm, but that was when I was in high school. I've had these boots for 11 years. I haven't worn them in 5. They are pretty dusty. Ok, fine! Donation pile.

Oh, this is the box that my necklace came in that we bought in Grand Cayman! Do I really need the box? No, but it has the name of the business on it. What if I want to remember the name someday and this box was the only thing I had with the name on it? (The website is http://islandglassblowing.com/) Ok, now I can get rid of the box.

Where is the proper place to store a snorkel and mask? Fins?

Wow, I forgot I had so many hats. I have a lot of hats for a girl who rarely/never wears hats.

I have a lot of belts for a girl who rarely/never wears belts.

How many months until I have to do this again?

::big sneeze!::

People in Hawaii never have to do this. Hawaii sounds nice.

Cleaning your closet is one of those things that always gets worse before it gets better. It's also a commitment. If you stop halfway through then let's hope you left a path to get to your bed. Either that or you better have one heck of a long jump to clear it all.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the signifigace of a clean desk?
~Laurence J. Peter

Heavy

(As a preface to the following paragraph, and will soon be made very evident, I did not get pregnant this cycle.)

I've been sitting here, cursor blinking, staring into space and trying to figure out what I want to say. When I come here to update on what is going on, I usually have some outline in my head. Not this time. Basically there has been one thing weighing on my mind for quite sometime and that is the fact that we are trying everything we can to have a baby. Sometimes, I swear, I can physically feel it weighing on my body. I feel it on my face when I try to smile even though I'm sad. I feel it in my step when I am trying to go about my daily life. It's just like the physical hurt I feel from our loss. It actually makes my heart ache. With all that said, there are plenty of times that I am distracted form this burden that I carry. Unfortunately it is one of those haunting thoughts that can reemerge without the slightest warning and there are plenty of reminders that pop up in our daily lives. Even an innocent trip to look at washers and dryers can bring about the innocuous question of "Do you have kids?". And there we go again.

Now we are dealing with my mom having breast cancer. Even now, after more than a month of knowing this fact, I still cannot believe that I'm typing those words. She did have a lumpectomy, but due to the cancer not being contained like they once thought, she will now be having a mastectomy. I thought my body felt heavy before... All weekend I've been commenting on how tired I am. It must be a side effect from all that extra weight.

Lately I have had people reminding me to let God carry my burdens. This will be my focus as I try and deal with all that we have going on right now.

Everyone has his burden; what counts is how you carry it.
~Joe Brown and David Brown

New Floors!

Here are the pictures I promised. I am exhausted, but very happy to have new floors.

Bathroom Before - Carpet in the bathroom is so gross!


Bathroom After


Dining Room Before


Dining Room After - Hand scraped wood


Entry Before


Entry After - Same wood as dining room


Kitchen After (I forgot to get a before picture, but it was plain white tile. You can see a bit of it in the dining room before picture.)


A very tired puppy resting on the dusty blankets that covered our furniture. She looks like how I feel!