Hold on Hope

I'm still here.

I've been thinking about how to keep this blog going without it feeling like a place of perpetual deja vu. I don't want to come here and repeat myself each month. Each cycle it's the same story... I'm waiting to ovulate. Then, after 20 or so days of waiting, the magical ovulation takes place... and the waiting continues. I try to ignore the fact that I'm in the two week wait. I try to pretend I'm not noticing every twinge. Then at some point, I realize that we weren't successful once again. How many times can I say that it's hard to see pregnant women? How many times can I say that I miss being pregnant? How many times can I say that I wish I hadn't had a miscarriage? I'm sure as heck tired of it, I'm sure it gets old reading about it. But that is my life right now. I live it one cycle at a time.

Yesterday I was at the grocery store and I was contemplating how much trouble I would get in (and how crazy I would look) if I were to take something off the shelf and hurl it with all the force I could muster. At the same time I wanted to curl into a ball and burst into tears. Uh oh, I recognize these psychotic emotions. PMS. So, not only was I trying to deal with irrational anger and sadness, I was realizing that pms can only mean one thing. Really? Again? Why?

Looks like a visit to the doctor is just around the corner. I've already made an appointment but I haven't decided if I'm keeping it or if I'm going to push it back one more cycle. One more cycle could be the difference for us and that is always my hope. Hope is one of those things that seems to come and go these days. I guess it's always in there somewhere or I would give this up all together. Today I realized this is our 6th failed cycle of trying since the miscarriage. 7 is one of my favorite numbers... lucky number 7 is just around the corner, right? Right. Hope.

TTC Status: CD 30, 11 DPO, not even going to bother testing
Mental Status: better than yesteray...
Mom's Status: healing and doing better everyday!
Weather Status: hot, hot, hot

Perseverence is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.
~Newt Gingrich

A Letter to My Angel

My Little Angel,

Today has been on my mind since September. When I found out I was pregnant with you, one of the first things I did was look to see when we would get to meet you. I got on the computer and typed in all the appropriate information. June 7th popped up as your expected birthday. That day came to represent the time when we would get to see your beautiful face, hold you, snuggle you... start our new life with you. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. The sight of your little heart beating was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and will ever see. Your size didn't matter, my love for you overwhelmed me. It still does. I thanked God over and over that he blessed us with you and I still do, even through the hurt. Finding out that we lost you broke my heart because we so desperately wanted you here with us. I still wonder why you didn't get to stay. It's hard not to think of what today could have been like and how different it turned out to be. Instead of meeting you we spent the day doing something just for you. We planted you a tree. It's going to be beautiful when it blooms and I like knowing that when I see this beautiful tree, I will think of you. Just like when I see my ring with your birthstone in it. Just like when I'm sitting quietly and you pop into my mind. Even when life distracts me, you are always in my heart. A heart that loves you just as much today as it did yesterday. I miss you, but I know you are safe and happy and someday I will get to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah is the word!

We got my mom's pathology report back yesterday and it was great news! The margins were clear and the lymph node did not show any traces of cancer. That is the best news I have received in quite a while and I am busy saying lots of thank you prayers.

Mom has made a lot of progress since leaving the hospital on Monday. Although, it really has been a two steps forward, one step back sort of process. My mom and dad are fortunate to have such wonderful neighbors who have been bringing them more food than they can eat. Aunt Donna also spent the week at their house to help however she could. Mom still has an appointment with an oncologist who may suggest she take a chemo like medicine to reduce the risk of cancer in the future. Ultimately it will be up to my mom to decide if she wants to put her body through that. I think we are all just breathing a huge sigh of relief that she is healthy and that her doctors have taken such great care of her.

This news has definitely made me feel like tomorrow will be easier to bear. Look for another post tomorrow, our angel's EDD.

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of year.
~Franklin Pierce Adams

Home Again

I spent the past five days in a place where health is remembered to be a blessing and having hair is just a bonus. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I enjoyed it... not by any means. But, there is a sort of kinship that you feel to everyone in the hospital. It was comforting in a way. Comforting to know that we are not the only ones dealing with a scary thing. All the people in that place have something in common. Cancer. Whether you are a doctor who treats it, a patient who has it, or a family member or friend who loves someone who does. It's not uncommon to see masks, IV stands or bald heads. I saw people who were obviously fragile from chemo and I am thankful that my mom does not resemble them. I felt sorry for them while realizing that pity isn't really a desired sentiment. You see that, if anything, cancer is not biased toward any group (something I've always known, but saw firsthand for the first time). It really is a time when laughter and a sense of humor are needed. In keeping with that spirit we have given my mom's new breast the beloved nickname of newbie bewbie (spelling error acknowledged).

Just to give a sense of the timeline-

On Wednesday my mom spent 7 1/2 hours in surgery. The first day of recovery went well, the second day was harder, the third day broke me. That was just a rough day for her. It's so hard to see someone you love feeling vulnerable, pain and just plain miserable. I was there for her, but even in my best efforts I still felt completley powerless and futile. Day four was a bit better. I'm home now and just got a call to find out that she is going home today (day five of recovery). I reminded her that she is strong in mind and spirit and that her body will catch up.

TTC Status: CD 13, been pretty relaxed this cycle, no temping, no opk's yet
MIL's Status: GONE!!! *happy dance* after two and a half weeks, it was time
Body's Status: pudgey (even after 3 days of boca burgers at the hospital), excersize needed
Dog's Status: sleepy after 5 days with her cousins (proof in picture below)
Husband's Status: glad to see him and pretty sure the feeling is mutual :)

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
~F. Clark

On The Run

I'm headed to Houston today to be with my mom for her mastectomy. Right now I'm just running around trying to do all those last minute things.

Please keep her in your prayers.

Obviously last cycles was a bfn. That was our last chance to get pregnant before what our due date would have been, June 7th. That week is going to be a tough one for me, but I have something special planned that I will share later when I have more time. The cycle I have started now will be my last without help from my RE. I have put a lot of thought into it and that is what I feel like would be best for us at this point. We will see what comes of it all.

TTC Status: CD 7, let's make this cycle count!!!
Emotional Status: a little down, but that is to be expected
Mental Status: where is my brain? it's running in 5 different directions...
Dog's Status: nails trimmed, bathed and ready to stay with her cousin's for the week
MIL Status: ...still here...

Only Thing Missing is a Hammock

First of all, we need to set the mood. Play this song while you read todays post. I want you to sit back and relax.

I feel replenished today. I think that is what leisurely shopping can do for a girl.

Today was my Friday off and I was disappointed when I found out Jason would have to work since it was his off Friday too. It turned out to be a nice day though. First, a little trip to Ulta for some makeup necessities. I don't even wear that much makeup but that store makes me want to. Then off to Best Buy to finally spend my birthday gift card (after two months of carrying it around in my purse). I now own Fool's Gold so I can enjoy looking at two of my favorite things. Matthew McConaughey and blue ocean water. Yes, I'm married, but just think of him as a pretty piece of art.

Ooooh

Aaaah

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yes, my day. Next it was a ramble through Sam Moon. (To "ramble" means to wander aimlessly or to take a course with many turns. If you have ever been in a Sam Moon than you realize I used that word with good reason.) Next came the grocery store. Not my favorite place, but I was still on my shopping high so I browsed the isles with ease.

Today was just what the doctor ordered. Can I have another please?

TTC Status: cd 28, 9dpo, don't feel a thing
Dog's status: loyally laying at my feet
Husband status: working too many hours lately
MIL status: at my house... hence the need for some time to myself

It is in his pleasure that a man really lives; it is from his leisure that he constructs the true fabric of self.
~Agnes Repplier

A Day for Mothers

Today is the day we celebrate mothers and all that they do. In some ways I feel like I am a mother, but a mother with empty arms and a heavy heart. A mother of an angel I can only dream of meeting some day. In other ways I feel like I have no rights to the word "mother". All week I have been wrestling with the emotions that have come with this day.

I think of what could be...
nine months pregnant
nursery coming together
showers, gifts, celebrating
big round belly
sonogram photos adorning the fridge
baby name books
anticipation for the arrival of our child

I think of the reality...
an aching in my heart
sadness, bitterness, desperation
a box with positive pregnancy tests, sympathy cards, and our baby's only picture
a dream that has yet to come true

What I'm thankful for...
My mother.
I have been so blessed to have a woman like her as my mom. I would try to go into all the reasons why I feel this way, but I'm not interested in inducing carpel tunnel at this time. Just know that I pray I can be a mother like her some day. I love her with all my heart and am so glad to not only call her my mom, but also a best friend.

I pray that next Mother's Day will be very different for me. I pray that ttc has not changed me forever. I pray that someday I will be able to heal this aching heart.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
~Tenneva Jordan