Our Angel

Sept. 26, 2008
This will forever be a day that changed my life.

I took a pregnancy test really not expecting it to be positive. Sure, I had some symptoms, but I had symptoms in the past that never amounted to anything other than me kicking myself for getting my hopes up. This time it was different. Two lines. One much lighter than the other, but still, two lines. I took another test in case there was some sort of mistake. Two lines again. I thanked God, I sobbed, I screamed, I sobbed again. I raced to the store to get a digital because I needed to see the word... I took the third test of the day and in about ten seconds the most beautiful word popped up. Pregnant. I could hardly process what was happening at this point. All I was sure about is that I was so happy I was about to burst (that would explain the screaming earlier). Jason and I were going to be parents.

Later that night I gave Jason a wrapped Tigger rattle that had sat in my closet for too long. He opened it with a puzzled face... "What is this for?". I told him he was going to be a daddy. "Is this for sure?" was his response, and I assured him it was. Three tests told me so. We hugged.

I called my doctor and had the blood test done. Positive again. Now there was no question, I was pregnant and my beta was 560. I went in for a sonogram on October 8th and saw the yolk sac. More proof that I was not dreaming and this was for real.

October 13, 2008
I ended up having some light spotting over the weekend that sent me into a panic. I called my doctor and they said I could come in again on Monday to check and make sure things were okay. I had another sonogram on October 13th. I miss that day. That was the one and only time I ever saw my baby's heart beating. It was the smallest little blip on the screen, but so amazingly beautiful. I wish so much that I could have seen it more than just that one time. On the other hand, I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to see it at all (a real benefit of seeing an RE). That little tiny baby inside of me had life of it's own and I was able to see it on that grainy, black and white screen.

October 13, 2008 - our sweet tiny baby

The next couple of days I felt so optimistic. I felt like things were going to be okay and I just needed to enjoy being pregnant. But, worrying is unfortunately a hard habit to break, and for whatever reason I started feeling anxious again. I'm not sure if it was just my nature creeping back in or if somehow I knew something was not right.

October 21, 2008
Unfortunately, I will always remember this day with sadness. This was the day of my first OB appointment. A couple of days before I had a little more spotting so I let them know when I checked in. Jason and I waited a very long hour before we finally were called back for a sonogram. The sonographer started and let me know she would be looking for a heartbeat. She just stared at that screen for what seemed like forever. I already knew, but I had to ask. "You don't see it do you?" Her answer broke my heart into a million pieces - "No honey, I don't. I'm sorry.".

That was it. Our baby had stopped growing at 6 weeks and 3 days. Two days after I saw the heartbeat. October 15, 2008. Strangely enough, that is Pregnancy and Infant Loss and Awareness Day. What sad irony.

I hated the thought of a D&C. I had already had two surgeries and I was not wanting a third. Even more, I detested the thought of having my baby removed. I felt like my body should do it on its own, no matter how hard the process would be. I let the doctor know my wishes and he understood, he would let us wait. A week went by and I had to go in for another sonogram. I didn't want to look at the screen but I had to. I cannot express how sad it was to see our little one without a heartbeat again. But I just had to look, it was still our baby, even if it was only the physical remains. That was the last time I saw him too. (In my mind, I had decided it was a boy. We will never know and it really doesn't matter.) We scheduled a D&C for the next Monday after speaking with the doctor. My body wasn't letting go... I didn't want to let go either. Maybe I was holding on emotionally and somehow my body translated this into a physical action. Maybe that is crazy, I don't know.

November 3, 2008
My D&C went smoothly. Physically it was easy, emotionally it was heart wrenching. Right before my surgery I cried knowing that I would wake up without our little one. I don't remember much about the recovery room except that I wept. A sweet nurse was right there to comfort and even empathize, she told me she had lost a baby too. I just felt an aching that I'd never known before. An aching that is still there right now and I have a feeling will always be there somewhere. I missed our baby so much. You never realize that something so tiny can make such an enormous impact on your life. The instant love, the overwhelming feeling of gratitude, the sheer panic at the thought of anything happening - my life had changed so dramatically before I even had my first sonogram. And now it seemed like it was over. As quickly as our little one had come, he was gone.

I had a dream a few days later. All I remember was I saw a baby's face and lots of light all around. The baby was looking off to the side, smiling, and it was the most beautiful face I've ever seen. I distincly remember blue eyes, the same color as mine and Jason's. It was neither a boy nor girl, just a baby. Angelic. I take comfort in this image. I think it was my glimpse of our baby in Heaven.