The Beginning and then some

Well, the story really began 6 years and 123 days ago....

August 3, 2002
Our wedding day. The day I married the man that comforts me when I'm sad, gives me a kiss every day before work, has made me laugh so hard that I couldn't breathe... my love and my very best friend.

Over the course of six years and 123 days we have made so many memories. Vacations to Las Vegas, Grand Cayman, Hawaii, New York City and lots of other places in between. Birthdays, anniversaries and plenty of lazy Sundays spent on the couch in our pajamas. So what? We like being lazy, especially when we get to be lazy together. That is just our style, and I'm glad that we can agree that it is okay to shower at 2 in the afternoon on the weekend. Who needs to be productive? We can be productive tomorrow.

New York City Oct. 2008

In that time I have realized, more times than I can count, how wonderful my husband is. It has been more recently though that the idea has been solidified in the most meaningful way. He has held me and kissed me so many times lately and each time I feel grateful for what we have, even taking into account for what we have lost. That brings me to our journey of trying to conceive.

In all seriousness, I have been wanting a baby since I was a child. I begged to help change diapers when I was a wee little one (does that mean I was a weird kid?). I volunteered for a Mother's Day Out program when I was a teenager. No money in it for me, just being around the kiddos was enough. I worked on and off for a daycare, worked at a preschool and even my major was studying child development. Can we say obsessed? I guess I have surrounded myself with one certainty in my life. I enjoy being around children and can't wait to have my own little rug rats to spoil and fawn over. For all the sleepless nights, stress induced headaches and marital disagreements, there must be something good about having kids. Why else would people be doing it? Or having more than one? I want in on the experience now, I want to see what the fuss is about. And it helps that they come out so cute and cuddly. They get you hooked right off the bat so when they turn into toddler monsters you will endure the tantrums in the grocery store while onlookers judge your lack of parenting skills. Yes. It will be worth it.

I figured we would start trying about 3 years into our marriage. But, it had to be a mutual agreement and it turns out it wasn't "mutual" until we had been married for almost 5. April 2007 marks the actual beginning of this particular journey. No, that doesn't count me scouring the internet for info on how to keep track of my cycles making it easier to get pregnant faster (thank you pg.org!) and taking prenatal vitamins so my body would be stocked up on folic acid. I had begun the preparations and FINALLY my husband was ready for us to make our threesome - don't forget Daisy - a foursome. April 2007 is when I traded my sanity for ovulation kits and my patience for pregnancy tests. Later it would become my money for doctors visits.

So time passes along with too many negative pregnancy tests. I tell you, I began to hate that blank white space where that second line was supposed to be so much, it was unhealthy. A stupid inanimate object became my enemy and it seemed the hatred was mutual. It was as if those tests were mocking me in my naive belief that I could actually be pregnant. Sheesh, what was I thinking?

Well, sometime around January of 2008 I decided I wanted some answers. I felt for some time that something was wrong. Too many unexplained pains on the left side of my abdomen. I went to my Gynecologist and he referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Well, it turns out that first doctor rubbed me the wrong way, or should I say the intern that he let do all the work? Either way I decided I needed to find another doctor and my internet search began. There really should be an easier way to find a doctor you can trust with your reproductive organs... I really am attached to them. Finally, I found Dr. J and he looked like the most promising thing since this whole journey began. His ultrasounds showed something weird going on around my left ovary and I had a uterine septum. That last doctor really was a wacko... he never mentioned either of these things. I am glad I followed my instincts.

April 21, 2008
A laparoscopy was the first big step we took to getting some answers. It turns out that my left fallopian tube was filled with fluid - hydosalphynx - and there was an abnormality in the way it had formed. Basically it was not even connected to my uterus correctly and was only causing inflammation and irritation in the place where an embryo would try to make a home. Not very welcoming. So he removed the tube. I never knew I could mourn a body part, but I did. I felt like part of what made me a woman (and in turn, a mother) was gone and it was so cruel to not have had any warning. In retrospect it was a good thing to have the troublesome tube removed, but it still hurt none the less.

My uterine septum was not removed during the surgery b/c of the inflammation in my uterus. Dr. J decided I needed to take the dreaded Lupron which I had read horrible things about. But I decided to trust my doctor and I endured two months of the crazed out hormones of a menopausal woman (and my husband, my poor husband). Over the next two months I got shots in my rear so I could suffer hot flashes during some of the hottest summer months in Texas. Excellent timing! The norm became sleepless nights of stripping off my night clothes and worshiping the remote controlled fan I had placed at my feet. Oh fan, how you got me through some miserable times, thank you. How embarrassing though when someone is talking to you and suddenly you feel the hot flash coming on. You flush and sweat like you just finished running a marathon and you are trying to look for something, ANYTHING to fan yourself with. Don't get me started on the back sweat - ew.

July 7, 2008
My hysteroscopy was performed. No complications or surprises this time much to my relief. He said my baby basket looked much better and the Lupron had done its job. Now it was just time to heal up and wait for aunt flow to come back to town.

August 30, 2008
She had arrived! She brought along some agonizing pain that I can only chalk up to healing or adhesions from the surgery. But, the good news was that my body was getting back on track and we were ready to try for a baby - again.

I think I will save the best and worst part for another day.