Home Again

I spent the past five days in a place where health is remembered to be a blessing and having hair is just a bonus. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I enjoyed it... not by any means. But, there is a sort of kinship that you feel to everyone in the hospital. It was comforting in a way. Comforting to know that we are not the only ones dealing with a scary thing. All the people in that place have something in common. Cancer. Whether you are a doctor who treats it, a patient who has it, or a family member or friend who loves someone who does. It's not uncommon to see masks, IV stands or bald heads. I saw people who were obviously fragile from chemo and I am thankful that my mom does not resemble them. I felt sorry for them while realizing that pity isn't really a desired sentiment. You see that, if anything, cancer is not biased toward any group (something I've always known, but saw firsthand for the first time). It really is a time when laughter and a sense of humor are needed. In keeping with that spirit we have given my mom's new breast the beloved nickname of newbie bewbie (spelling error acknowledged).

Just to give a sense of the timeline-

On Wednesday my mom spent 7 1/2 hours in surgery. The first day of recovery went well, the second day was harder, the third day broke me. That was just a rough day for her. It's so hard to see someone you love feeling vulnerable, pain and just plain miserable. I was there for her, but even in my best efforts I still felt completley powerless and futile. Day four was a bit better. I'm home now and just got a call to find out that she is going home today (day five of recovery). I reminded her that she is strong in mind and spirit and that her body will catch up.

TTC Status: CD 13, been pretty relaxed this cycle, no temping, no opk's yet
MIL's Status: GONE!!! *happy dance* after two and a half weeks, it was time
Body's Status: pudgey (even after 3 days of boca burgers at the hospital), excersize needed
Dog's Status: sleepy after 5 days with her cousins (proof in picture below)
Husband's Status: glad to see him and pretty sure the feeling is mutual :)

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
~F. Clark

On The Run

I'm headed to Houston today to be with my mom for her mastectomy. Right now I'm just running around trying to do all those last minute things.

Please keep her in your prayers.

Obviously last cycles was a bfn. That was our last chance to get pregnant before what our due date would have been, June 7th. That week is going to be a tough one for me, but I have something special planned that I will share later when I have more time. The cycle I have started now will be my last without help from my RE. I have put a lot of thought into it and that is what I feel like would be best for us at this point. We will see what comes of it all.

TTC Status: CD 7, let's make this cycle count!!!
Emotional Status: a little down, but that is to be expected
Mental Status: where is my brain? it's running in 5 different directions...
Dog's Status: nails trimmed, bathed and ready to stay with her cousin's for the week
MIL Status: ...still here...

Only Thing Missing is a Hammock

First of all, we need to set the mood. Play this song while you read todays post. I want you to sit back and relax.

I feel replenished today. I think that is what leisurely shopping can do for a girl.

Today was my Friday off and I was disappointed when I found out Jason would have to work since it was his off Friday too. It turned out to be a nice day though. First, a little trip to Ulta for some makeup necessities. I don't even wear that much makeup but that store makes me want to. Then off to Best Buy to finally spend my birthday gift card (after two months of carrying it around in my purse). I now own Fool's Gold so I can enjoy looking at two of my favorite things. Matthew McConaughey and blue ocean water. Yes, I'm married, but just think of him as a pretty piece of art.

Ooooh

Aaaah

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yes, my day. Next it was a ramble through Sam Moon. (To "ramble" means to wander aimlessly or to take a course with many turns. If you have ever been in a Sam Moon than you realize I used that word with good reason.) Next came the grocery store. Not my favorite place, but I was still on my shopping high so I browsed the isles with ease.

Today was just what the doctor ordered. Can I have another please?

TTC Status: cd 28, 9dpo, don't feel a thing
Dog's status: loyally laying at my feet
Husband status: working too many hours lately
MIL status: at my house... hence the need for some time to myself

It is in his pleasure that a man really lives; it is from his leisure that he constructs the true fabric of self.
~Agnes Repplier

A Day for Mothers

Today is the day we celebrate mothers and all that they do. In some ways I feel like I am a mother, but a mother with empty arms and a heavy heart. A mother of an angel I can only dream of meeting some day. In other ways I feel like I have no rights to the word "mother". All week I have been wrestling with the emotions that have come with this day.

I think of what could be...
nine months pregnant
nursery coming together
showers, gifts, celebrating
big round belly
sonogram photos adorning the fridge
baby name books
anticipation for the arrival of our child

I think of the reality...
an aching in my heart
sadness, bitterness, desperation
a box with positive pregnancy tests, sympathy cards, and our baby's only picture
a dream that has yet to come true

What I'm thankful for...
My mother.
I have been so blessed to have a woman like her as my mom. I would try to go into all the reasons why I feel this way, but I'm not interested in inducing carpel tunnel at this time. Just know that I pray I can be a mother like her some day. I love her with all my heart and am so glad to not only call her my mom, but also a best friend.

I pray that next Mother's Day will be very different for me. I pray that ttc has not changed me forever. I pray that someday I will be able to heal this aching heart.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
~Tenneva Jordan

Waiting

I have this memory...

I'm probably 7 or 8 and I'm in the kitchen with my mom. My birthday is in a week or so and I can hardly stand the wait. I remember saying to my mom "But I wish my birthday was today! I want it to be my birthday now!". I'm sure she has some kind, motherly words of wisdom about how I would just have to wait and it would be here soon enough. It may have been true but that didn't necessarily make the wait any easier.

That's how I feel some days. It just hits me. I want to be pregnant now! I don't want to wait anymore. Yes, we've only been trying for two years and in the scheme of things that isn't all that long (although sometimes it feels like a lifetime). But in reality, I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. When we got married I knew we would wait a couple of years and I was very patient at first. Then after three or so years I started asking Jason, "So when do you think we could start trying? How about now?". When we started trying in April of 2007 I was so happy that my dream of being a mother would be a reality before too much longer. I felt like I had done all the waiting already. But I sit here now... still waiting.

I believe it will happen.

I do. I just want it to be now. God's answer is to wait and I am doing my absolute hardest to accept that answer with some grace.

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
~Stanislaw J. Lec

Working for the Weekend

Well it's Monday again.

Jason and I had a nice long weekend together. Thursday evening we enjoyed some yummy Pei Wei which I had been planning and looking forward to all week. Friday and Saturday were spent working around the house at a leisurely pace (that seems to be our ONLY pace, but at least we are in sync). Saturday night we made homemade pizza which was delicious. Sunday was the best because we spent most of the day on a date. First it was taking in a hockey game by a local team who is in the finals. We cheered, we clapped, we stood on our feet. We were freezing (who would have thought sitting in front of a rink of ice would be cold... ?) and those metal benches made our butts ache, but we had a great time. It didn't hurt that our team won 6-2. We are planning on going to the game on Wednesday which we are hoping will be the game where they win it all. After the game we went to dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant for some sizzling fajitas.

There was no baby talk, no pregnancy talk, no ovulation talk. No "ifs", "whens" or "whys". Just a good time for two people who really enjoy each others company.

TTC Status: cd 17 and still waiting to ovulate.
Mental Status: feeling surprisingly patient
Weather Status: lovely outside today

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~ Rita Rudner