Hold on Hope

I'm still here.

I've been thinking about how to keep this blog going without it feeling like a place of perpetual deja vu. I don't want to come here and repeat myself each month. Each cycle it's the same story... I'm waiting to ovulate. Then, after 20 or so days of waiting, the magical ovulation takes place... and the waiting continues. I try to ignore the fact that I'm in the two week wait. I try to pretend I'm not noticing every twinge. Then at some point, I realize that we weren't successful once again. How many times can I say that it's hard to see pregnant women? How many times can I say that I miss being pregnant? How many times can I say that I wish I hadn't had a miscarriage? I'm sure as heck tired of it, I'm sure it gets old reading about it. But that is my life right now. I live it one cycle at a time.

Yesterday I was at the grocery store and I was contemplating how much trouble I would get in (and how crazy I would look) if I were to take something off the shelf and hurl it with all the force I could muster. At the same time I wanted to curl into a ball and burst into tears. Uh oh, I recognize these psychotic emotions. PMS. So, not only was I trying to deal with irrational anger and sadness, I was realizing that pms can only mean one thing. Really? Again? Why?

Looks like a visit to the doctor is just around the corner. I've already made an appointment but I haven't decided if I'm keeping it or if I'm going to push it back one more cycle. One more cycle could be the difference for us and that is always my hope. Hope is one of those things that seems to come and go these days. I guess it's always in there somewhere or I would give this up all together. Today I realized this is our 6th failed cycle of trying since the miscarriage. 7 is one of my favorite numbers... lucky number 7 is just around the corner, right? Right. Hope.

TTC Status: CD 30, 11 DPO, not even going to bother testing
Mental Status: better than yesteray...
Mom's Status: healing and doing better everyday!
Weather Status: hot, hot, hot

Perseverence is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.
~Newt Gingrich

A Letter to My Angel

My Little Angel,

Today has been on my mind since September. When I found out I was pregnant with you, one of the first things I did was look to see when we would get to meet you. I got on the computer and typed in all the appropriate information. June 7th popped up as your expected birthday. That day came to represent the time when we would get to see your beautiful face, hold you, snuggle you... start our new life with you. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. The sight of your little heart beating was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and will ever see. Your size didn't matter, my love for you overwhelmed me. It still does. I thanked God over and over that he blessed us with you and I still do, even through the hurt. Finding out that we lost you broke my heart because we so desperately wanted you here with us. I still wonder why you didn't get to stay. It's hard not to think of what today could have been like and how different it turned out to be. Instead of meeting you we spent the day doing something just for you. We planted you a tree. It's going to be beautiful when it blooms and I like knowing that when I see this beautiful tree, I will think of you. Just like when I see my ring with your birthstone in it. Just like when I'm sitting quietly and you pop into my mind. Even when life distracts me, you are always in my heart. A heart that loves you just as much today as it did yesterday. I miss you, but I know you are safe and happy and someday I will get to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah is the word!

We got my mom's pathology report back yesterday and it was great news! The margins were clear and the lymph node did not show any traces of cancer. That is the best news I have received in quite a while and I am busy saying lots of thank you prayers.

Mom has made a lot of progress since leaving the hospital on Monday. Although, it really has been a two steps forward, one step back sort of process. My mom and dad are fortunate to have such wonderful neighbors who have been bringing them more food than they can eat. Aunt Donna also spent the week at their house to help however she could. Mom still has an appointment with an oncologist who may suggest she take a chemo like medicine to reduce the risk of cancer in the future. Ultimately it will be up to my mom to decide if she wants to put her body through that. I think we are all just breathing a huge sigh of relief that she is healthy and that her doctors have taken such great care of her.

This news has definitely made me feel like tomorrow will be easier to bear. Look for another post tomorrow, our angel's EDD.

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of year.
~Franklin Pierce Adams