Earth to Kayla

You know how the earth's surface is covered 70% by water and a measly 30% land? Well, my world has a similar ratio. I would say 70% of my life has been taken over (flooded, if you will) by ttc and has only left 30% behind for everything else. The goal of pregnancy is the motivation for so many things I do these days. Do I order fries? No, I need to eat healthy so I can get pregnant. Have I taken my prenatals? Yes, took those today. Hmm, how much green tea can I drink without affecting my folic acid absorbtion? What time should I go to the store so I can get back and test with my OPK? Should I just put a test strip into my purse so I can test while I'm out? OH NO! Will I be ovulating while we are out of town???

Whether I like it or not, ttc has taken over my life. But that is okay because it is worthy of the effort. The reward will be awesome. Each day is another step toward the day that we have children. The tricky part is keeping ttc seperate from your happiness. There are days when my emotional state is purely dependant upon some aspect of ttc. A postive OPK always puts me in a good mood. A negative pregnancy test never put a smile on my face.

While I'm on the topic of testing, I think I need to get a patent on a new kind of digital pregnancy test. You see, the digital tests are the best thing ever when you are pregnant (and want to be). Seeing a second line is exciting, but seeing the word "pregnant"... few things can compare to the happiness I felt when I saw that word. It was so definite, so absolute. So what does it say when the test is negative? "Not pregnant" Well, thanks a lot! Stupid, rude, insensitive little peice of plastic. I propose a new digital test for women who want to be pregnant. It could say - "better luck next month sweetie".... or ... "keep trying, you'll get there!"... or... "go get yourself a glass of wine, you deserve it!". Yep, we need a new kind of test.

Seeing Red

This Valentine's Day had the potential to either be the best ever or just a big bummer. Today I was going to take a pregnancy test. I've even been imaging how I would tell Jason in his Valentine's Day card I'm making. Well, I didn't even get the chance to test since cramps woke me up around 7 this morning. I'm in a horrible mood.

Spicy Potato and Nut Terrine Anyone?

I wish I liked to cook. Sometimes it's okay I guess. If I'm waiting for Jason to get home I will turn up iTunes while I'm in the kitchen. Music makes just about anything better and cooking is no excepetion. I wish cooking made my singing better, but I digress... I decided I needed some new healthy recipes so I went to the library and checked out some cookbooks. Two of the three books actually had quite a few recipes that I want to try out. I picked up "Your Family Will Love It! Quick and Healthy Weeday Meals for the Hard-to-Please". (If you cannot guess, I'm the "hard-to-please" one. I realized there is a long list of veggies that I never grew up to like. Maybe there is still time for that.) The others were "Great Taste - Low Fat Chicken" and "Practical Cookery - Vegetarian". Okay "practical" is very misleading. I was looking through this book and there are words I've never heard before and half of those I cannot even pronounce. Proof?

Tzatziki
Bhajis
Besan
Channa Dal (China Doll?)
Pakoras
Porcini
Garam Marsala
Galangal
Vichyssoise
Jalousie

I realize I'm not very sophisticated when it comes to my experience with cuisines, but come on. Don't tell me the average person is going to say "We are having Onions a la Grecque for an apetizer, Gado Gado salad and Aloo Chat for an entree." No.

I made Hearty Chicken and Corn Chowder last night. Now that sound more like it.

Unique

Thank you Jennifer Saake for understanding exactly how I feel. The following in an excerpt from Hannah's Hope.

I dreaded the intended comfort, "At least now you know you can get pregnant." Prior conception was no guarantee that future pregnancy would be possible. Even if I could conceive again, I had no track record to assure myself that pregnancy could end in live birth. And should the Lord be gracious enough to allow us to bring home a living baby in the future, no child could replace this unique one I had just lost.

Exactly. While I will continue to have faith that Jason and I have biological children in our future, this summarizes so much of what I have felt since our miscarriage. No matter what happens, we will always have a baby in Heaven. Sometimes it physically hurts I miss him so much. Sometimes it seems like a miracle that we have someone that is a part of us in Heaven.

On another note, I saw plenty of pregnant women today. There is something about Target that attracts pregnant women on weekdays in the afternoon. I should create a slug bug game, but replace "slug bug, red!" with "preggo, isle 12!". I've gotten good at guessing if a woman is pregnant even when I'm directly behind her. It must be the walk? Somtimes the clothes are a giveaway too. But I am finally feeling a lot less stressed when seeing preggos out and about. I think because I feel like I will be one of them soon. It was a lot harder when I still only felt like I should be one of the now. That part of me has finally started to quite down. Is that what we call "healing"?