Wearing Mascara Again, That's a Good Sign

Where to start? My absence around here can be explained but I'm not sure if there is a short version to the story. All is well now but last Wednesday I feared what was to come. It all started the night before my sonogram on Thursday when a trip to the bathroom sent me into a bit of panic. Brown spotting isn't necessarily a reason to freak out but after my last experience it really didn't help put my mind at ease. Jason and I went into my sonogram Thursday morning a bit nervous and guarded (or at least I was). Then it all started to unravel. The sonogram showed a fetus but no heartbeat. The sac looked irregular and my doctor's exact words were "it doesn't look good". In the midst of my grief he was talking about coming back Monday for another sonogram b/c they always take a second look but to prepare for a d&c that afternoon. I was given instructions not to eat after midnight Sunday and we were sent home to spend the weekend mourning another loss. We broke the news to family and friends, and sheltered ourselves from the world for a few days. I kept thinking about how almost exactly one year before we were dealing with the same emotions. All the emotions that come with a loss, and especially after working so hard to get pregnant.

So Monday rolls around and as much as I didn't want to be going through it, there was a sort of acceptance of what was going to happen that day. Acceptance may be overstating, but we were going through it whether we liked it or not. We went in for the sonogram and then the shock of my life. A heartbeat. I look up at Jason, he had tears in his eyes and a smile that melts my heart. I, on the other hand, was in a complete state of shock. I didn't know how to absorb what was happening. This time the gestational sac looked perfect and round. How can this be? My mom is in the waiting room and we come out and tell her. In a mixture of confusion and tears (hers, not mine) she tried to understand what we were saying to her. We scheduled another sonogram scheduled for that Thursday. Fine by me, some extra piece of mind is definitely welcome. The shock doesn't wear off for days. Thursday rolls around and I hold my breath as the sonogram begins. Right away there is the evidence of a beautiful heart beating. Our Guppy has grown and things are looking good. I cannot express how wonderful that is to hear.

So, the explanation. It seems as though we started out with twins. Two embryos must have implanted but one didn't make it. Miscarrying one caused there to be fluid in my uterus and obscured the view of our healthy baby in the first sonogram. So all that time we had a heartbeat and a healthy gestational sac. It turns out that vanishing twin syndrome may be relatively common but most women don't have sonograms in the first few weeks and so it happens without anyone knowing. I've read up on it some and the prognosis for our little Guppy is good. How could it not be? He or she has two guardian angels.

Today was the first time I've thrown up since being pregnant. Lots of nausea off and on but so far I had escaped that rush to the bathroom. I've never felt so honored to have my head in a toilet.