Appointment Update

Just a quick note to say that my appointment went well. My doctor said that the sonogram did not show anything to be concerned about and that adhesions are probably the culprit. I was pretty much convinced that this was the case, but I feel better hearing it from my doctor. He also said that I could come back and start Clomid whenever I wanted to. Jason and I talked about it and if nothing has happened by August then we may start taking a more aggressive approach to this. We are both hoping that Clomid will not be necessary!

Floor, Chords and Planting in a Row

There is not much to report on the ttc front. I have an appointment tomorrow with my RE for a sonogram. It's been a year since he removed my fallopian tube and it is time to find out why I'm still having pain. It's probably nothing, but I will feel better hearing that from my doctor.

In other news, we are getting closer to new flooring. I'm dreading the actual work being done but I will be thrilled when it is all finished. Daisy threw up on the carpet the other day (our fault for not being home in time to feed her by her strict eating time). I explained to her that this will be unacceptable after the new carpet is put in. Is it possible to train a dog to throw up on tile floors only? Better yet, a trash can? If we are home she will run to the back door, so she must realize that throwing up indoors is less than preferable. Enough about that. I will be sure to post before and after pics of the flooring when the time comes.

I have always loved the sound of acoustic music. I thought it would be great if I could learn to play guitar (and even better if I could sing, but what can ya do?). So I decided that maybe I should just try and learn. Latey I have felt so much like my life is on hold. Trying to conceive for two years will do that to you I guess. So I thought maybe if I had a project that would show actual results I would feel like I'm still moving forward. Today Jason and I picked up a beginner Fender guitar. I learned how to tune it and have even practiced a few chords. On a related note, the fingers on my left hand are a little sore as I type. :)

Last but not least, the yard is getting a bit of sprucing up now that Spring has arrived. Yesterday was all about weeding out... well, the weeds. I hope to do some planting this week in our front yard. I hope to eventually get a little garden going in the back yard, but I will focus on the front first. I'm sure our neighbors will appreciate that.

What's Luck Got To Do, Got To Do With It?

Unlucky?

Lucky?

Which is it?

Both I suppose. Or rather it is all part of a much bigger plan that I will discover one day, one minute, one second at a time.

Yesterday I woke up and immediately broke into tears. I am facing what I fear to be another failed cycle of trying and I just had to cry. I cried because I was born with less than stellar reproductive organs. I cried because I wish I was still pregnant. I cried because on top of all of that, my mother is facing breast cancer. I felt angry, sad, frustrated and confused. Mostly I felt overwhelmed. The feeling of unlucky washed over me and I just had to cry. Sometimes the gray areas of your life muddle the bright and happy colors that truly surround you. The fact that I have a loving husband, a wonderful family, caring friends, sweet coworkers, the best little dog and a comfortable life just get lost somewhere in the mix. Luckily those days are much fewer than the good days. They seem to be somewhat of a necessary evil for me though. It seems that I have a reserve for all of the bad feelings and when I hit my limit it is time to purge. Yesterday was purge day. Today was a much better day. I spent it with Jason who had put in a 13 hour day yesterday (Saturday!). I missed him and was so glad to have a day just for the two of us. Days like today help me remember to have a little more gratitude and a little less attitude.

Did I just say that with a serious face?

They Say it's Your Birthday

So, today is my birthday. It may sound a bit dramatic, but I've been a little bummed about turning another year older. I thought we would have our first child when I was 26. Now here I am turning 28 without children and without a pregnancy. I remember in October I was imagining all of the things I would be doing pregnant. My birthday was one of them. I feel like I'm following this imaginary time line. The time line of my would-be pregnancy. I wonder if I will feel any different after June 7th, our due date. I also wonder what my 29th birthday will look like next year. I'm optimistic.

But it hasn't been a complete bust. We had our family birthday party last weekend. Jason and I also went to Macaroni Grill on Sunday and I had some delicious grilled salmon, risotto and tiramisu. Tonight Jason and I decided to finally try some sushi. We have been talking about trying it out to see what the fuss is about. Tonight seemed as good a night as any. So about that...

I hate sushi! I didn't know it until tonight, but I think sushi must be the most over hyped food ever. The thing about it is that you cannot really take small bites. It is all or nothing. So I went all in. I put the Philadelphi Roll in my mouth and immediately regretted it. Ew. Next I tried the California Roll and it was only tolerable but verging on gross. I managed to eat a few of the slices and then started listing all of the fast food places on the way home. Jason and I couldn't stop laughing about it. Our waiter cleared our plates and asked how we liked it. Somehow we managed to get around answering that question. Oh, and my Sonic corndog and chocolate malt were delicious.

I'm a simple gal.

Earth to Kayla

You know how the earth's surface is covered 70% by water and a measly 30% land? Well, my world has a similar ratio. I would say 70% of my life has been taken over (flooded, if you will) by ttc and has only left 30% behind for everything else. The goal of pregnancy is the motivation for so many things I do these days. Do I order fries? No, I need to eat healthy so I can get pregnant. Have I taken my prenatals? Yes, took those today. Hmm, how much green tea can I drink without affecting my folic acid absorbtion? What time should I go to the store so I can get back and test with my OPK? Should I just put a test strip into my purse so I can test while I'm out? OH NO! Will I be ovulating while we are out of town???

Whether I like it or not, ttc has taken over my life. But that is okay because it is worthy of the effort. The reward will be awesome. Each day is another step toward the day that we have children. The tricky part is keeping ttc seperate from your happiness. There are days when my emotional state is purely dependant upon some aspect of ttc. A postive OPK always puts me in a good mood. A negative pregnancy test never put a smile on my face.

While I'm on the topic of testing, I think I need to get a patent on a new kind of digital pregnancy test. You see, the digital tests are the best thing ever when you are pregnant (and want to be). Seeing a second line is exciting, but seeing the word "pregnant"... few things can compare to the happiness I felt when I saw that word. It was so definite, so absolute. So what does it say when the test is negative? "Not pregnant" Well, thanks a lot! Stupid, rude, insensitive little peice of plastic. I propose a new digital test for women who want to be pregnant. It could say - "better luck next month sweetie".... or ... "keep trying, you'll get there!"... or... "go get yourself a glass of wine, you deserve it!". Yep, we need a new kind of test.

Seeing Red

This Valentine's Day had the potential to either be the best ever or just a big bummer. Today I was going to take a pregnancy test. I've even been imaging how I would tell Jason in his Valentine's Day card I'm making. Well, I didn't even get the chance to test since cramps woke me up around 7 this morning. I'm in a horrible mood.

Spicy Potato and Nut Terrine Anyone?

I wish I liked to cook. Sometimes it's okay I guess. If I'm waiting for Jason to get home I will turn up iTunes while I'm in the kitchen. Music makes just about anything better and cooking is no excepetion. I wish cooking made my singing better, but I digress... I decided I needed some new healthy recipes so I went to the library and checked out some cookbooks. Two of the three books actually had quite a few recipes that I want to try out. I picked up "Your Family Will Love It! Quick and Healthy Weeday Meals for the Hard-to-Please". (If you cannot guess, I'm the "hard-to-please" one. I realized there is a long list of veggies that I never grew up to like. Maybe there is still time for that.) The others were "Great Taste - Low Fat Chicken" and "Practical Cookery - Vegetarian". Okay "practical" is very misleading. I was looking through this book and there are words I've never heard before and half of those I cannot even pronounce. Proof?

Tzatziki
Bhajis
Besan
Channa Dal (China Doll?)
Pakoras
Porcini
Garam Marsala
Galangal
Vichyssoise
Jalousie

I realize I'm not very sophisticated when it comes to my experience with cuisines, but come on. Don't tell me the average person is going to say "We are having Onions a la Grecque for an apetizer, Gado Gado salad and Aloo Chat for an entree." No.

I made Hearty Chicken and Corn Chowder last night. Now that sound more like it.