I dream just about every night. I dream about anything and everything. Since we started ttc I have had a lot of dreams of us having a child. Always a girl though. For some reason I'd always been able to picture us with girls, but not boys. That was the case until our pregnancy anyway. I still feel in my heart that our little baby was a boy. The other night I dreamt that we had a baby boy. I can say with almost absolute certainty that I have never had a dream of us having a boy. I picked him up, snuggled him and gave him kisses. I was so incredibly happy.
I'm so ready for that dream to be real.
I'm so ready to not be this person anymore.
I'm ready to be happy again. Yes, I'm happy plenty of the time, but it's a fragile sort of happiness. A happiness that can be snatched away at any second. Sometimes I manage to push the sadness way back, all the way back to where I almost forget it's there. But I don't think I ever truly forget.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Fantastical Folate
If you are not interested in the ttc info then just skip down to the recipes. I promise they will not disappoint!
It doesn't take a lot of reading about ttc before you run across how important folate is in the very early stages of pregnancy. Getting plenty of folate early on will reduce a mother's risk of having a baby with neural tube defects, heart defects, cleft palate and other congenital malformations. In fact, it's best if you supplement up to a couple of months before you even start ttc. Folic acid is the synthetic form of the B vitamin that you will find in supplements and fortified foods. Folic acid is absorbed easier than naturally occurring folate, but folate provides other benefits that the supplements will not provide. If you are eating a food that is high in folate then you are likely getting some other vitamins, as well as fiber. Go here to get more information on the health benefits and a list of foods that are good sources of folate.
My recent focus has been on eating more spinach. It's been one of the easiest "folate foods" to work into my diet. Don't believe me? Spinach shake anyone? I'll get to that in a minute.
Southwest Chicken Bowl - This is a low calorie dish with lots of protein, some fiber and yummy fresh spinach of course!
Ingredients
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 pound chicken breast, chopped up small
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 Roma tomato
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup of your favorite salsa
1 can pinto beans, rinsed and drained
- fresh spinach, torn up into bite sized pieces
- shredded Parmesan cheese
Directions
1) In nonstick skillet, heat olive oil on medium heat for 1 minute. Add chicken, chili powder, ground cumin, and salt. I like the chicken to be coated with the spices before I add the bell pepper and tomato, but you can add those veggies as soon as you get the spices mixed in with the chicken. Cook, stirring occasionally, until chicken looses pink color throughout. Stir in salsa and beans; cook 5 minutes to blend flavors and heat through.
2) Tear up spinach leaves and put into each person's bowl (however much you like). Spoon in chicken mixture and top with shredded Parmesan cheese if you like.
******************************
A fellow blogger has a recipe for a spinach shake. I haven't actually tried this recipe yet (give me time!), but it gave me the idea to add spinach to my fruit smoothies. I never measure my smoothies, but it's hard to go wrong!
Ingredients
approx. 1/4 cup orange juice
approx. 1/4 cup low fat plain yogurt
banana
frozen strawberries
frozen blackberries
frozen blueberries
A handful of spinach (remove stems)
I find it is best to put in the orange juice, yogurt and spinach fist. Blend it well and then start to add the fruits one at a time, blending between each one. If you put everything in all at once then your blender will have a hard time chopping it all up. The first time I made this I was apprehensive about adding too much spinach. I did a taste test and ended up adding even more spinach because I really couldn't taste it!
******************************
Make a salad with fresh spinach instead of iceberg lettuce (romaine would be a good alternative as well). I like to throw on some baby carrots, sliced almonds, feta cheese (which needs to be made from pasteurized milk) and a low fat dressing. Raw broccoli would be a great addition to this as well. Broccoli is not just a good source of folate, it also contains vitamin A, vitamin C, fiber and even some calcium.
It doesn't take a lot of reading about ttc before you run across how important folate is in the very early stages of pregnancy. Getting plenty of folate early on will reduce a mother's risk of having a baby with neural tube defects, heart defects, cleft palate and other congenital malformations. In fact, it's best if you supplement up to a couple of months before you even start ttc. Folic acid is the synthetic form of the B vitamin that you will find in supplements and fortified foods. Folic acid is absorbed easier than naturally occurring folate, but folate provides other benefits that the supplements will not provide. If you are eating a food that is high in folate then you are likely getting some other vitamins, as well as fiber. Go here to get more information on the health benefits and a list of foods that are good sources of folate.
My recent focus has been on eating more spinach. It's been one of the easiest "folate foods" to work into my diet. Don't believe me? Spinach shake anyone? I'll get to that in a minute.
Southwest Chicken Bowl - This is a low calorie dish with lots of protein, some fiber and yummy fresh spinach of course!
Ingredients
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 pound chicken breast, chopped up small
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 Roma tomato
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup of your favorite salsa
1 can pinto beans, rinsed and drained
- fresh spinach, torn up into bite sized pieces
- shredded Parmesan cheese
Directions
1) In nonstick skillet, heat olive oil on medium heat for 1 minute. Add chicken, chili powder, ground cumin, and salt. I like the chicken to be coated with the spices before I add the bell pepper and tomato, but you can add those veggies as soon as you get the spices mixed in with the chicken. Cook, stirring occasionally, until chicken looses pink color throughout. Stir in salsa and beans; cook 5 minutes to blend flavors and heat through.
2) Tear up spinach leaves and put into each person's bowl (however much you like). Spoon in chicken mixture and top with shredded Parmesan cheese if you like.
******************************
A fellow blogger has a recipe for a spinach shake. I haven't actually tried this recipe yet (give me time!), but it gave me the idea to add spinach to my fruit smoothies. I never measure my smoothies, but it's hard to go wrong!
Ingredients
approx. 1/4 cup orange juice
approx. 1/4 cup low fat plain yogurt
banana
frozen strawberries
frozen blackberries
frozen blueberries
A handful of spinach (remove stems)
I find it is best to put in the orange juice, yogurt and spinach fist. Blend it well and then start to add the fruits one at a time, blending between each one. If you put everything in all at once then your blender will have a hard time chopping it all up. The first time I made this I was apprehensive about adding too much spinach. I did a taste test and ended up adding even more spinach because I really couldn't taste it!
******************************
Make a salad with fresh spinach instead of iceberg lettuce (romaine would be a good alternative as well). I like to throw on some baby carrots, sliced almonds, feta cheese (which needs to be made from pasteurized milk) and a low fat dressing. Raw broccoli would be a great addition to this as well. Broccoli is not just a good source of folate, it also contains vitamin A, vitamin C, fiber and even some calcium.
I'm strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach..
~Popeye the Sailor Man
~Popeye the Sailor Man
Monday, April 20, 2009
Spring Time is Clean Time
Twice a year I dig into the depths of my closet to make the summer and winter clothes exchange. It just so happened that our flooring project (and therefore cleaning project) has taken place at just the right time for the switch. Twice a year I make the same conclusion. I have too much crap. God was laughing when he created a pack rat sentimental fool who despises clutter. I'm constantly at battle with myself as I do my best to decipher what shall stay and what shall be donated or thrown away. A glimpse into my internal dialogue...
Oh, I forgot I had that shirt. How long have I had this? How long since I wore it last? It's been a while.... But what if I wake up one day and want to wear this shirt? Keep pile.
Ooh, that's dusty.
Why did I keep a purse with a broken strap?
Now these are nice boots. A little outdated, but I know I spent $70 on these puppies. Hmm, but that was when I was in high school. I've had these boots for 11 years. I haven't worn them in 5. They are pretty dusty. Ok, fine! Donation pile.
Oh, this is the box that my necklace came in that we bought in Grand Cayman! Do I really need the box? No, but it has the name of the business on it. What if I want to remember the name someday and this box was the only thing I had with the name on it? (The website is http://islandglassblowing.com/) Ok, now I can get rid of the box.
Where is the proper place to store a snorkel and mask? Fins?
Wow, I forgot I had so many hats. I have a lot of hats for a girl who rarely/never wears hats.
I have a lot of belts for a girl who rarely/never wears belts.
How many months until I have to do this again?
::big sneeze!::
People in Hawaii never have to do this. Hawaii sounds nice.
Cleaning your closet is one of those things that always gets worse before it gets better. It's also a commitment. If you stop halfway through then let's hope you left a path to get to your bed. Either that or you better have one heck of a long jump to clear it all.
Oh, I forgot I had that shirt. How long have I had this? How long since I wore it last? It's been a while.... But what if I wake up one day and want to wear this shirt? Keep pile.
Ooh, that's dusty.
Why did I keep a purse with a broken strap?
Now these are nice boots. A little outdated, but I know I spent $70 on these puppies. Hmm, but that was when I was in high school. I've had these boots for 11 years. I haven't worn them in 5. They are pretty dusty. Ok, fine! Donation pile.
Oh, this is the box that my necklace came in that we bought in Grand Cayman! Do I really need the box? No, but it has the name of the business on it. What if I want to remember the name someday and this box was the only thing I had with the name on it? (The website is http://islandglassblowing.com/) Ok, now I can get rid of the box.
Where is the proper place to store a snorkel and mask? Fins?
Wow, I forgot I had so many hats. I have a lot of hats for a girl who rarely/never wears hats.
I have a lot of belts for a girl who rarely/never wears belts.
How many months until I have to do this again?
::big sneeze!::
People in Hawaii never have to do this. Hawaii sounds nice.
Cleaning your closet is one of those things that always gets worse before it gets better. It's also a commitment. If you stop halfway through then let's hope you left a path to get to your bed. Either that or you better have one heck of a long jump to clear it all.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the signifigace of a clean desk?
~Laurence J. Peter
~Laurence J. Peter
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Heavy
(As a preface to the following paragraph, and will soon be made very evident, I did not get pregnant this cycle.)
I've been sitting here, cursor blinking, staring into space and trying to figure out what I want to say. When I come here to update on what is going on, I usually have some outline in my head. Not this time. Basically there has been one thing weighing on my mind for quite sometime and that is the fact that we are trying everything we can to have a baby. Sometimes, I swear, I can physically feel it weighing on my body. I feel it on my face when I try to smile even though I'm sad. I feel it in my step when I am trying to go about my daily life. It's just like the physical hurt I feel from our loss. It actually makes my heart ache. With all that said, there are plenty of times that I am distracted form this burden that I carry. Unfortunately it is one of those haunting thoughts that can reemerge without the slightest warning and there are plenty of reminders that pop up in our daily lives. Even an innocent trip to look at washers and dryers can bring about the innocuous question of "Do you have kids?". And there we go again.
Now we are dealing with my mom having breast cancer. Even now, after more than a month of knowing this fact, I still cannot believe that I'm typing those words. She did have a lumpectomy, but due to the cancer not being contained like they once thought, she will now be having a mastectomy. I thought my body felt heavy before... All weekend I've been commenting on how tired I am. It must be a side effect from all that extra weight.
Lately I have had people reminding me to let God carry my burdens. This will be my focus as I try and deal with all that we have going on right now.
I've been sitting here, cursor blinking, staring into space and trying to figure out what I want to say. When I come here to update on what is going on, I usually have some outline in my head. Not this time. Basically there has been one thing weighing on my mind for quite sometime and that is the fact that we are trying everything we can to have a baby. Sometimes, I swear, I can physically feel it weighing on my body. I feel it on my face when I try to smile even though I'm sad. I feel it in my step when I am trying to go about my daily life. It's just like the physical hurt I feel from our loss. It actually makes my heart ache. With all that said, there are plenty of times that I am distracted form this burden that I carry. Unfortunately it is one of those haunting thoughts that can reemerge without the slightest warning and there are plenty of reminders that pop up in our daily lives. Even an innocent trip to look at washers and dryers can bring about the innocuous question of "Do you have kids?". And there we go again.
Now we are dealing with my mom having breast cancer. Even now, after more than a month of knowing this fact, I still cannot believe that I'm typing those words. She did have a lumpectomy, but due to the cancer not being contained like they once thought, she will now be having a mastectomy. I thought my body felt heavy before... All weekend I've been commenting on how tired I am. It must be a side effect from all that extra weight.
Lately I have had people reminding me to let God carry my burdens. This will be my focus as I try and deal with all that we have going on right now.
Everyone has his burden; what counts is how you carry it.
~Joe Brown and David Brown
~Joe Brown and David Brown
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
New Floors!
Here are the pictures I promised. I am exhausted, but very happy to have new floors.
Bathroom Before - Carpet in the bathroom is so gross!
Bathroom After
Dining Room Before
Dining Room After - Hand scraped wood
Entry Before
Entry After - Same wood as dining room
Kitchen After (I forgot to get a before picture, but it was plain white tile. You can see a bit of it in the dining room before picture.)
A very tired puppy resting on the dusty blankets that covered our furniture. She looks like how I feel!
Bathroom Before - Carpet in the bathroom is so gross!
Bathroom After
Dining Room Before
Dining Room After - Hand scraped wood
Entry Before
Entry After - Same wood as dining room
Kitchen After (I forgot to get a before picture, but it was plain white tile. You can see a bit of it in the dining room before picture.)
A very tired puppy resting on the dusty blankets that covered our furniture. She looks like how I feel!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter Eggs, and Everyting Else
I think a few updates are in order, so here they are.
My mom is doing well. Her surgery was Friday and it did not reveal any surprises which is great. Unfortunately she was put through a very painful procedure before the surgery and we are all upset that the people who were supposed to be taking care of her did not show the compassion she deserved. Hopefully her speaking up to her doctor will result in a change in the ladies' attitudes who were responsible for causing my mom so much pain. In about a month she will start six weeks of radiation. I'm thankful that everything has gone smoothly and pray that her treatment will continue to go well. She is a strong woman!
After her surgery we headed to my parent's house to spend the rest of Easter weekend. Of course there was some egg coloring, it's tradition! I don't care how old I am, I will always enjoy coloring eggs. We also went up to my dad's plant farm which is always fun. All of the beautiful flowers are arranged in a sort of patchwork design. Flowers are always pretty, but when you have hundreds of them in one place it's overwhelmingly gorgeous! (Pics to come, they are on my sister's camera.)
Our floors are still not finished. Carpet will be put in tomorrow and then finally I can clean this place! I never realized what a mess it would leave behind, but I think our house will be cleaner than it's ever been when all is said and done. We will be scrubbing just about every surface and it makes me tired just thinking about it. I have some before and after picks of the tile and wood but I will wait until everything is done to post them all.
I'm still in the two week wait. I'm 10dpo and my temps have gone up a bit. I had a big drop 8dpo and of course I can't help but wonder if it is an implantation dip. It seems so silly to study my chart with such scrutiny, but I never claimed to be rational did I?
My mom is doing well. Her surgery was Friday and it did not reveal any surprises which is great. Unfortunately she was put through a very painful procedure before the surgery and we are all upset that the people who were supposed to be taking care of her did not show the compassion she deserved. Hopefully her speaking up to her doctor will result in a change in the ladies' attitudes who were responsible for causing my mom so much pain. In about a month she will start six weeks of radiation. I'm thankful that everything has gone smoothly and pray that her treatment will continue to go well. She is a strong woman!
After her surgery we headed to my parent's house to spend the rest of Easter weekend. Of course there was some egg coloring, it's tradition! I don't care how old I am, I will always enjoy coloring eggs. We also went up to my dad's plant farm which is always fun. All of the beautiful flowers are arranged in a sort of patchwork design. Flowers are always pretty, but when you have hundreds of them in one place it's overwhelmingly gorgeous! (Pics to come, they are on my sister's camera.)
Our floors are still not finished. Carpet will be put in tomorrow and then finally I can clean this place! I never realized what a mess it would leave behind, but I think our house will be cleaner than it's ever been when all is said and done. We will be scrubbing just about every surface and it makes me tired just thinking about it. I have some before and after picks of the tile and wood but I will wait until everything is done to post them all.
I'm still in the two week wait. I'm 10dpo and my temps have gone up a bit. I had a big drop 8dpo and of course I can't help but wonder if it is an implantation dip. It seems so silly to study my chart with such scrutiny, but I never claimed to be rational did I?
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Dust Bowl and 5 dpo
My only ttc update is I'm 5dpo with some flat temps above the coverline. They are lower than usual but I'm not sure if this holds any significance. I tell myself that I only temp to confirm ovulation, but after 5 days of temps above the coverline I could stop. Will I? Probably not. I have an insatiable curiosity of what is going on and the two week wait sometimes seems to last way more than 14 days. At that point I'm not peeing in cups anymore and maybe I just feel like I need something to do. Anything. So, I keep temping and I look at the chart like it's going to speak to me in some way that it didn't the day before. Oh well, I will get through this one just like I've gotten through all the others! I hold out hope that there is a possibility. And just for a little extra fun (and more of that curiosity) I looked up what the due date would be. Christmas Day. Now I used to protest the idea of having a Christmas baby, but Lord, I will happily accept such a wonderful gift. I promise.
On a completely unrelated note, the demolotion of our floors began today. The dust, the horror! I knew it was going to be bad and I covered our couches and electronics with blankets, but the dust is everywhere. Let me say that again. Everywhere. It looks like a dust storm happened in my house or that I've neglected to break out the pledge for a couple of years. In fact it is worse than that. It's on door handles, picture frames, lamp shades... the clean up will require a bit more than a swiffer for sure. I took some before pictures last night and when it is all done, I will take my after pics and share them. Now excuse me while I cry a little. Don't worry, it's just the dust in my eyes.
On a completely unrelated note, the demolotion of our floors began today. The dust, the horror! I knew it was going to be bad and I covered our couches and electronics with blankets, but the dust is everywhere. Let me say that again. Everywhere. It looks like a dust storm happened in my house or that I've neglected to break out the pledge for a couple of years. In fact it is worse than that. It's on door handles, picture frames, lamp shades... the clean up will require a bit more than a swiffer for sure. I took some before pictures last night and when it is all done, I will take my after pics and share them. Now excuse me while I cry a little. Don't worry, it's just the dust in my eyes.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The April Fool
I had decided that I would write today because it is an anniversary of sorts. Two years trying to conceive. Not really the sort of anniversary you want to celebrate, but exists just the same. I do however feel like it gives me some sort of clout. If someone is going through some challenges, I feel like I can at least speak from some personal experience. This has definitely been the biggest struggle of my life so far. That may be a blessing to be able to say that. That thought has not escaped me, I promise. It doesn't necessarily make days like today any better. You know the saying "it's just one of those days"? Well today is one of those days. It reminds me of a poem that I read a hundred times as a kid (as well as heard my sisters rehearse since they had it memorized).
I Found a Four-Leaf Clover
I found a four-leaf clover
and was happy with my find,
but with time to think it over,
I’ve entirely changed my mind.
I concealed it in my pocket,
safe inside a paper pad,
soon, much swifter than a rocket,
my good fortune turned to bad.
I smashed my fingers in a door,
I dropped a dozen eggs,
I slipped and tumbled to the floor,
a dog nipped both my legs,
my ring slid down the bathtub drain,
my pen leaked on my shirt,
I barked my shin, I missed my train,
I sat on my dessert.
I broke my brand-new glasses,
and I couldn’t find my keys,
I stepped in spilled molasses,
and was stung by angry bees.
When the kitten ripped the curtain,
and the toast burst into flame,
I was absolutely certain
that the clover was to blame.
I buried it discreetly
in the middle of a field,
now my luck has changed completely,
and my wounds have almost healed.
If I ever find another,
I will simply let it be,
or I’ll give it to my brother—
he deserves it more than me.
That has been my day minus the four leaf clover. Let me just say that between the kids behavior at work, another negative opk, a jury summons in the mail and a near attack by a wasp, I have not lost the humor of it being April fools day. Well, maybe I've lost the humor for the moment but it might be funny tomorrow.
My boss showed me a picture of her new grandbaby and it was all I could do to not burst into tears because the baby was so beautiful. So cheers! Here is to tomorrow being a better day.
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