Heavy

(As a preface to the following paragraph, and will soon be made very evident, I did not get pregnant this cycle.)

I've been sitting here, cursor blinking, staring into space and trying to figure out what I want to say. When I come here to update on what is going on, I usually have some outline in my head. Not this time. Basically there has been one thing weighing on my mind for quite sometime and that is the fact that we are trying everything we can to have a baby. Sometimes, I swear, I can physically feel it weighing on my body. I feel it on my face when I try to smile even though I'm sad. I feel it in my step when I am trying to go about my daily life. It's just like the physical hurt I feel from our loss. It actually makes my heart ache. With all that said, there are plenty of times that I am distracted form this burden that I carry. Unfortunately it is one of those haunting thoughts that can reemerge without the slightest warning and there are plenty of reminders that pop up in our daily lives. Even an innocent trip to look at washers and dryers can bring about the innocuous question of "Do you have kids?". And there we go again.

Now we are dealing with my mom having breast cancer. Even now, after more than a month of knowing this fact, I still cannot believe that I'm typing those words. She did have a lumpectomy, but due to the cancer not being contained like they once thought, she will now be having a mastectomy. I thought my body felt heavy before... All weekend I've been commenting on how tired I am. It must be a side effect from all that extra weight.

Lately I have had people reminding me to let God carry my burdens. This will be my focus as I try and deal with all that we have going on right now.

Everyone has his burden; what counts is how you carry it.
~Joe Brown and David Brown