20 Weeks Today!

Just dropping in to mark the momentous occasion of being half way there!

Still brave enough to show my bare belly. Do I really look this big in person or does the camera add baby weight? Maybe the flash just highlights the curves. Wait, I don't think the flash went off...

I need to make a better habit of taking these pictures after I shower and not at the end of a day when I have pillow hair.

The Secret is Out!

Tonight we let our family in on our secret. Only my parents knew that we had already opened the envelope (didn't know if we were talking "he" or "she" though) so my family was definitely surprised! Here are a couple of pictures that set it up for you.

19 Weeks 4 Days, December 12, 2009


We are going to have a daughter!

So they say there is something called "pregnancy brain". Well, I've suffered from the Vernon family brain way before I became pregnant so being forgetful isn't exactly a new thing for me. My family reenters the house at least once before backing out of the driveway and that is on a good day. Today we celebrated my now 14 year old niece's birthday and my oldest sister's birthday. I made it there with almost everything, only forgetting the main present for my sister. Instead I gave her the honor of the reveal. I went to the bathroom and attached the pink bow to my belly and just before they began to open presents I asked her to unzip my sweater. I got a strange look but her trust prevailed and she opened it and gasped! She said, "Does anyone else know???" I said no and turned to the room so they could all see. Good times!

As I sit here now she is giving me some kicks and it's the most wonderful feeling. Jason felt them for the first time this week and my mom even got to feel one tonight. She's quite a bit of fun already.

"Sugar and spice
And everything nice
That’s what little girls
Are made of."

It's gas, it's a twitch, it's a baby!

It's official, I'm feeling this baby kick! Well, they feel more like little taps right now. Like "Hey momma, I'm here, swimming around where it's warm and cozy. What's up with you?" It started around Thanksgiving when I started getting what I thought were little muscle twitches. They were subtle and me formerly being unfamiliar with the feeling of a baby bouncing around in my uterus, I was not convinced it was our baby. But it happened a few times one night, then again the next evening and now they are unmistakeable. I've even been able to feel it on the outside a few times although our little one is already giving daddy a hard time by not cooperating anytime I grab his hand and stick it on my belly. That's right... baby's already got a favorite. (Only kidding, that will take years for him or her to figure out.)

We have also acquired a new glider rocker. Well, when I say new, I mean new to us. It's a craigslist find that we picked up last night. It's a little creaky but were going to see if we can fix that. The upholstery is super country, not exactly my taste, but the plan is to have it recovered. Before and after pics will be a must when that time comes. Hopefully the $75 purchase will prove to be a bargain!

Oh, and I have a secret... We opened the envelope the night we had our sonogram. It turns out that our willpower is nonexistent when all that separates us from one of the greatest surprises of our lives is some weak adhesive on a business sized envelope. So for those of you who have commended us on our strength, I pitifully admit that we broke after less than 12 hours of waiting. If you don't know the secret then you will soon.

Picture time!

Most recent belly pic.


Bravely baring my belly!


The sling I purchased a while back finally came in!


Our new Christmas tree looking quite pretty if I do say so myself.

"Babies are such a nice way to start people."
~Don Herrold

100% Cuteness

We had our big sonogram this morning. Most importantly, things are looking great! The sonographer measured and looked at all the parts of our baby and our doctor used the word "perfect". What a word. Now that's a word I would like to continue to hear! Let's leave those "you aren't textbook" comments in the past and stick with "perfect". I've packed on 10 lbs now and that's fine by me. Thanksgiving couldn't have come at a better time in my pregnancy, food and I are very good friends again. And I promise I didn't swallow the Thanksgiving ham, there is a baby in there! Pictures coming at the end of this post to prove it.

So now I have an envelope on my desk. On the outside it says "Baby Minter". On the inside it says if we are having a boy or a girl. I want to open it so bad. Our plan is to open it Christmas morning (thanks to my best friend Elizabeth for her very creative idea!). After our sonogram this morning Jason and I started contemplating how long we will last. We have a poor track record when it comes to keeping secrets from one another and if one of us cracks on this then there is no way we will make it to Christmas. Anyone want to take bets on when the envelope will be opened?

I am still waiting on my last online purchase to arrive but I bought a diaper bag on etsy a couple of weeks ago. It's actually a bit small for a diaper bag I'm realizing, but I'm hoping I will still be able to use it plenty. I love bags. Some women love to buy shoes, some buy jewelry, I always want to buy bags. This was my first baby item purchase and I think it's very me. I am still looking forward to the other diaper bag that is being made for me though. A girl can never have too many bags. Ladies, don't let your men tell you otherwise. Who is able to provide a pair of nail clippers to Jason when we are in the car? Me, because I have a bag. Hand sanitizer? Sure. Paper and pen? Let me get that for you. Can't get that onion taste out of your mouth? Do you prefer gum or a mint?

My etsy bag


Guppy foot and toes


Hand up to the face (Do we have a thumb sucker?)


Our adorable Guppy all curled up

“A new baby is like the beginning of all things - wonder, hope, a dream of possibilities.”
~ Eda J Leshan

Thankful

The other day I was at my sister Kelly's house, hanging out with my family. In the past we were able to do this about every other week but lately, for one reason or another, we haven't had as many chances to get everyone together in once place at one time. We all were sitting there talking, laughing, watching my youngest niece show off her cuteness and I had one of those moments where I just felt so thankful. I feel pretty blessed that those moments are not all that rare for me. I've definitely been blessed with a wonderful family that I love and actually love being around! I cannot wait to share my family with our baby. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, which is tomorrow, I would just like to say thank you.

Thank you to God for the endless list of blessings in my life
Thank you to my family for their continuous support
Thank you to my friends who are always there to listen
Thank you for all the prayers for our Guppy
Thank you to those of you who I've never even met but have offered sincere congratulations

November 23, 2009


November 22, 2009
(Mom accidentally missed part of Jason's head, oops!)

I may have made two baby related purchases online recently. Since this post was reserved for the mushy love stuff, I will post pictures of those later (one is still in the mail). Oh! The countdown to our next sonogram is on! Five days, next Monday, not soon enough!

Reflection

I had made a conscious decision to try and keep my blog as upbeat as possible now that I am pregnant and so incredibly thrilled about it! However, I was in my car the other day, crying uncontrollably and I just feel like I want to put this out there.

It started with a craving for a hot fudge sundae.

Jason was watching football so I hopped in my car and headed to Braum's. I plugged in my iPod and started picking out random songs to listen to (and sing to, if nobody can hear me then it's not cruel and unusual punishment for anyone but me). While I was on my way back home I started listening to "All That I Can Say" by the David Crowder Band. It's no coincidence that it's also the title of my blog. I was listening to this song a lot last year after our miscarriage. Thanks to a woman out there who poured her heart and soul out on her blog after the passing of her son Isaac, I decided a blog may be a therapeutic way for me to get out all those feelings I had but didn't know what to do with. She also had this song on her playlist. So here I am, blessed beyond words to be pregnant, and I am sobbing in my car because my heart just hurt so much. It hurt for the loss that we went through, the child we don't have here with us, the guilt that I feel for being so happy about this baby. I know in my heart that no children we have will ever replace or first. Our angel. Then there is the twin we lost in this pregnancy. Very early on, before we ever knew we were pregnant with twins, but ours just the same. So to my angels, I love you with all my heart and I miss you.

These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints
were meant for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part.

Shopping, Shopping, Shopping

I have wanted to shop in a maternity store for years. Of course it had nothing to do with the actual clothes and everything to do with my desire to be expecting. Well, I finally stepped foot into Motherhood store last Friday and I had a pretty great time. Some of the clothes are less than thrilling but I managed to find some things that I liked and felt like me. I now own pants that come within inches of my bra and, surprisingly enough, I am thrilled about it. I thought I would share my purchases with you since pictures are always fun.

In other shopping news, I have a diaper bag on the way. It turns out that Etsy.com is a pretty fun place to do baby shopping. I now want to buy things for our baby that I didn't even know were out there (including: a chenille sock monkey, reusable waterproof bags in cute fabrics, a fleece snuggle bunny and flannel washrags). I've already spent an embarrassing amount of time perusing through pages and pages of all things baby.

One more thing. I had a moment of minor panic last night while looking at Baby's R Us online. I realized that we have to pick out a car seat. How does one go about choosing a car seat? How do I know it's safe? Typically I'm a frugal shopper but the safety of our child hardly seems like the place to skimp. And then I move on to pack and plays. Now they come with "nappers". Is that really safe? Then I realized I'm not all together sure where our newborn will sleep. I know I won't be comfortable with our baby being on the other end of the house in those first few months so what is the best option? I need some mamas to give me advice. I know how to watch other people's kids but this is a whole new ballgame.

Ok, now we can get on with the pictures.

New belly pic, new top and new jeans


Jason has now been instructed not to take pictures of me from below. I don't have a double chin but some sort of weird double cheek thing going on. Does anyone look good from this angle? Don't answer that.


Other new jeans and new corduroys


New Sweater from Target and other top from Motherhood

"Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch."
~E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

Belly and Baby

Picture time!

So first let me explain that we took this belly pic at the end of the day. That is important to keep in mind because I am about 50% bigger in the evenings than I am in the mornings (evidently this is normal, who knew). I hate to say it because I've been so proud of my growing belly but whoa... maybe wearing the tight tank top wasn't the best idea. Where did that thing come from?! I was on a pregnancy board the other day and there was this adorable girl who was so excited that at 16 weeks she finally had a bump. So I look at the picture and it looks like maybe she put a raisin in her shirt. Meanwhile I appear to be smuggling a cantaloupe. In reality our baby is between the size of a lemon or an orange (3.5 to 4 inches). So for your viewing pleasure, I give you my belly.

This sonogram photo was taken at 12 weeks and 1 day. Sorry I'm so late to post it. Next sonogram is scheduled for November 30th. Correct me if I'm mistaken but it definitely appears to be a profile. And for those of you who may be concerned, our baby definitely has arms and legs because we've seen them. For some reason they are invisible in this photo. Enjoy!

"Everything grows rounder and wider and weirder, and I sit here in the middle of it all and wonder who in the world you will turn out to be."
~ Carrie Fisher

Peek a Boo

"I am in ...Vancouver. I was stuck in a meeting that I couldn't get out of ...and the electricity went out in the building ...and we were trapped ...on the 38th floor. And the telephone system blew too. Amazingly enough."

(Excuse may have been borrowed from one of my favorite movies.)

So I'm still here. Today I am 14 weeks pregnant and still taking it pretty easy. I've had a total of three bleeding episodes now and that has definitely made this more stressful than I had imagined it would be. The good news is that each time we have gone into the doctor our baby's heart is beating nice and strong. It seems I'm in a constant mode of prayer these days. Last Saturday was the last time it's happened and I really (really, really) hope it is the last. I do have a new sonogram photo I need to post but since the scanner is not attached to our laptop I will do that another time. Basically I just wanted to say that I'm still here, spending too much time on our couch and trying to take good care of our Guppy. I can't wait to start feeling this little guy or gal moving around in there. Yesterday I heard two pretty good movements on the doppler so I know there is lots of partying going on that I'm still not able to feel.

Thanks to all of you who continue to pray for us.

The Duet

Today I am 11 weeks pregnant. According to the nurse I am one week and one day away from the second trimester. Would a party be superfluous?

Since my last post we went through a bit of a scare. Well, a pretty big scare but things have gotten better. I'll just say that implantation bleeding can happen and it is highly underestimated. Everywhere you read about it you see the word "spotting". That term did not apply to what I went through but the doctor says he has seen it before and advised that I stick to a leisurely pace. So that's what I've been doing since last Wednesday.

I had a follow up appointment today and for once we didn't do a sonogram. The nurse used the fetal doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat and it was the coolest thing. At first, all you could hear was my own heartbeat and then she found the baby's. I could hear both of them at the same time. This isn't the first time I've heard the baby's, but it was the first time I heard them together. For some reason it just made me feel really connected to our Guppy. Like we are a pair that is in this together. Mother and child. Pretty awesome.

"Sometimes", said Pooh, " the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
~Winnie the Pooh

Hello Guppy, Bye Bye Bagel

Just a quick update.

I'm still making somewhat frequent trips to the doctor because of the continued spotting. Evidently I'm one of the "lucky" ones who has implantation bleeding from the placenta attaching to the uterine wall. *sigh* It's just scary since any book you read will basically say that spotting is reason to run to the emergency room as soon as possible. Stupid pregnancy books. I've pretty much sworn them off the same as the internet. All of them besides the daily book that tells us what our baby is up to. I think my favorite part so far is reading about how our babe has all it's fingers and toes now. Cute, tiny little fingers and toes.

I called the nurse today to update her on the situation and she told me to go ahead and come in. The sonogram showed our Guppy measuring 10 weeks and 4 days (2 days ahead of schedule, but the measurements can vary quite a bit). Heartbeat was great and the little guy or gal was jumping around and kicking it's little legs. It was absolutely the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

The 24/7 nausea and sickness is still hanging around. It's both a blessing and a curse. What sort of sick person can thank God after throwing up? A pregnant woman who just wants to know that her baby is okay. So loosing my bagel this morning was fine by me.

What's Up Doc?

I've seen my doctor and his nurses more than my family lately. I had yet another sonogram today. Yesterday I had some spotting and some cramping so I talked to one of the nurses at my OB's office. She told me to come in today to get things checked out. Guppy is looking good as ever with a heart rate around 170. I even saw him/her move a little which evidently is a new talent that developed in the last day or so. I sort of felt like an idiot walking into their office after being there two days ago but they couldn't have been nicer. I'm seriously blessed to have such wonderful people taking care of me, I cannot say that enough. So for you viewing pleasure, my sonogram photo.

The black area is the gestational sac. On the left side there is a bumpy area and that is the placenta forming. You can sort of make out the umbilical cord coming from the baby toward the left side. It's normal for the head to be large in porportion to the body but with Jason's large melon I think our baby is destined to have a big head (brain, I mean). :D

Our Growing Guppy

I had my first official OB appointment today! It started out with lots of questions, an exam and then they took about a gallon of blood. I feel fortunate that it doesn't bother me to have my blood taken, I find it sort of fascinating actually. The speed at which the blood pumps into those vials... whatever, I'm weird. It may sound strange but I looked forward to all this because I'm all for being treated like a pregnant lady.

The torturous wait for the sonogram was well worth it. I go into the room and I know the routine. Get undressed from the waist down, get the paper gown, feet in the stirrups, it's second nature at this point. Then the Sonographer instructed me to get on the table. What? I get to keep my pants on for once? I realized that I left my modesty in April of 2008 when all this began. The number of times I've had a date with the "wand" cannot be recalled at this point (it would take my fingers, toes and then I'd have to borrow your fingers and toes...) but I'm happy to leave it in my past.

This time I not only got to see our baby's heartbeat, I got to hear it. The most amazingly beautiful sound that I look forward to hearing again.

5 weeks


6 weeks


7 weeks


8 weeks

(Obviously it's not the norm to have this many sonograms. It's been an eventful couple of weeks but we are so incredibly grateful to be blessed with this baby!)

Wearing Mascara Again, That's a Good Sign

Where to start? My absence around here can be explained but I'm not sure if there is a short version to the story. All is well now but last Wednesday I feared what was to come. It all started the night before my sonogram on Thursday when a trip to the bathroom sent me into a bit of panic. Brown spotting isn't necessarily a reason to freak out but after my last experience it really didn't help put my mind at ease. Jason and I went into my sonogram Thursday morning a bit nervous and guarded (or at least I was). Then it all started to unravel. The sonogram showed a fetus but no heartbeat. The sac looked irregular and my doctor's exact words were "it doesn't look good". In the midst of my grief he was talking about coming back Monday for another sonogram b/c they always take a second look but to prepare for a d&c that afternoon. I was given instructions not to eat after midnight Sunday and we were sent home to spend the weekend mourning another loss. We broke the news to family and friends, and sheltered ourselves from the world for a few days. I kept thinking about how almost exactly one year before we were dealing with the same emotions. All the emotions that come with a loss, and especially after working so hard to get pregnant.

So Monday rolls around and as much as I didn't want to be going through it, there was a sort of acceptance of what was going to happen that day. Acceptance may be overstating, but we were going through it whether we liked it or not. We went in for the sonogram and then the shock of my life. A heartbeat. I look up at Jason, he had tears in his eyes and a smile that melts my heart. I, on the other hand, was in a complete state of shock. I didn't know how to absorb what was happening. This time the gestational sac looked perfect and round. How can this be? My mom is in the waiting room and we come out and tell her. In a mixture of confusion and tears (hers, not mine) she tried to understand what we were saying to her. We scheduled another sonogram scheduled for that Thursday. Fine by me, some extra piece of mind is definitely welcome. The shock doesn't wear off for days. Thursday rolls around and I hold my breath as the sonogram begins. Right away there is the evidence of a beautiful heart beating. Our Guppy has grown and things are looking good. I cannot express how wonderful that is to hear.

So, the explanation. It seems as though we started out with twins. Two embryos must have implanted but one didn't make it. Miscarrying one caused there to be fluid in my uterus and obscured the view of our healthy baby in the first sonogram. So all that time we had a heartbeat and a healthy gestational sac. It turns out that vanishing twin syndrome may be relatively common but most women don't have sonograms in the first few weeks and so it happens without anyone knowing. I've read up on it some and the prognosis for our little Guppy is good. How could it not be? He or she has two guardian angels.

Today was the first time I've thrown up since being pregnant. Lots of nausea off and on but so far I had escaped that rush to the bathroom. I've never felt so honored to have my head in a toilet.

A Beta and a Guppy

I'm starting out with a verse today instead of a quote at the end.

Php 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything. Instead, in every situation, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, tell your requests to God. And the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your heats and minds in Christ Jesus.

This verse is going to get me through this first trimester. Well, as long as I commit to living it as best as I can. Some moments I feel like I'm succeeding and others I feel like I'm failing miserably. I guess the most important part is that each time I fall, I say a prayer while I'm on my knees, and get back up.

My first beta was taken at 14dpo and it was 227. My second beta was taken at 20dpo and it was 4,900! The hcg hormone should double every two to three days. Mine did that and then some! I went in for a sonogram yesterday and saw the gestational sac. My RE's nurse (the lovely Theresa who has been so great to me) said everything is looking great. Deep breathe in, and let it out... I've been taking lots of deep breaths lately.

I will also take the advice of a friend and stop googling things. I should have heeded this advice sooner b/c the internet can be an evil place for a worrier. It's a breeding ground for bad information, scary scenarios, and things that I don't even need to be putting in my head. So from now on, I'm staying away from any search engines. Putting it here will make it feel more like a contract that I'm obligated to abide by. So consider this an official contract.

In other news, our little babe has a nickname. I'd been thinking about it and it suddenly came to me. He or she is our little Guppy! One of the main reasons being that Jason used to have me in stitches with a "guppy face" he would make. After my sonogram I called Jason to let him know that we have one guppy in the tank.

Next sonogram is scheduled for next Thursday. Are we there yet?

YES, I AM!!!

So after days of speculation I got the official answer yesterday.

I AM PREGNANT!

I am so incredibly blessed! Being pregnant again has brought so many emotions with it. Gratitude, amazement and pure joy. It's also brought back some not so friendly emotions. The mean kind that pick at your insecurities and fears. The first day I really started to realize I was pregnant was actually a very difficult day. Just hours after I took a test I had some brown spotting and immediately panicked. Even though I knew it could be perfectly normal, I was overcome with anxiety. I don't want to taint this entry with those negative things though, I'm putting those behind me (or doing my best to do so anyway). Since then I have had blood work and everything is looking great! Yesterday I bought a baby name book, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. Looking through all the names got me so excited at the thought of us having a little person to name in 9 months. I'm making a conscious effort to focus my energy on thinking positively and imagining this all happening just the way we dreamed. Being pregnant is such a gift and I want to enjoy all of it! (I have a sneaking suspition that there will be a day in the next 9 months that I will laugh at myself for being so naive, but that's okay, being naive has it's perks.)

Even though I was instructed not to test at home b/c the hcg trigger could give a false positive, I decided to test anyway. I searched the internet for information on how long the hcg trigger usually stays in the system and found that plenty of girls test out the trigger so they know if they have a true positive. So the time line went as follows:

dpo=days past ovulation
dpt=days past trigger
fmu=first morning urine
smu=second morning urine

9dpo (10dpt) - smu, very faint +, thought it was definitely the trigger
10dpo (11dpt) - fmu, very faint +, thought it might be the trigger
11dpo (12dpt) - fmu, still faint +, suuuper bloated in evening!, hmm...
12dpo (13dpt) - fmu, a little darker +, major bloat!, maybe??
13dpo (14dpt) - fmu, darker +, Ok this might be for real!!!
14dpo (15dpt) - pg. test at doc (smu), test line darker than control line!!! blood tests say yes!!!

AHHHHHHHH!!!!

My beta was 227 and my progesterone was 112. My RE's nurse said things look great! I go back next Monday for another blood test to see where my numbers are. I'm praying that things continue to go well and we will be holding a baby in our arms next May. It's the most wonderful thing to daydream about.

(Pics of the bfp to come)

"A grand adventure is about to begin."
~Winnie the Pooh

Am I or Not?

I'm just twiddling my thumbs while I'm in the two week wait. Really, one of the worst things about ttc is the not knowing. If I knew I wasn't, at least I could start to cope. If I AM then I'd like to go ahead and start celebrating!

I took a picture of our tree this afternoon. In just about a week we went from no blooms, to this!

So now is it time to invoke the attitude of my Jr. High math teacher and believe in the power of positive thinking?

Bfp. Bfp. Bfp. Mrs. Tower would be proud.

Symptom Status: None
Side Effect Status: Clomid causes increased appetite? How about - ravenous, can I get my hands on a burger, fries, milkshake and super size that please - appetite. I will be practicing some major self control in the days to come or I will definitely LOOK pregnant.
Mental Status: I'm doing my best to imagine some rapidly dividing cells in that uterus of mine.

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
~Groucho Marx
(I beg to differ with Groucho!)

Blooming Omen

I am officially in the two week wait!

It all started yesterday with a good omen (or at least what I took as a good omen). I looked out in my backyard and saw the first set of blooms on our crepe myrtle. This is tree we planted on our angel's due date and I've been waiting all this time to see some blooms. I went in for my ultrasound and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I had two follicles on the right and one on the left. I got my trigger shot and was told to return today for my IUI. This morning I checked on our tree again and saw a few more blooms. Excellent!

Some personal details aside, I think it all went very well! The most difficult part of the procedure was the tenaculum my doctor had to use. My cervix is always a bit shy and the tenaculum is used to pull on the cervix and make it easier to insert the catheter. Do me a favor and do NOT google tenaculum. Trust me, the pictures are scary and it is even scarier in person. The procedure itself only took about 5 minutes and then I got to lay there and relax for about 20 minutes. I brought along my iPod and Joshua Radin sang to me while I relaxed. When I was laying there I was thinking about how surreal the whole procedure is. I started contemplating on how different this is than how I imagined baby making to be. I never thought it would include words like...

Speculum
Tenaculum
Sterile Cup
Catheter
Stirrups
Insemination
Specimen
Centrifuge

But, the only important part is that at some point we are rewarded for all this work. Then the real work will begin. Something I have learned from this is that Jason and I can laugh at ourselves. Our texting back and forth while I was at the doctor's office is proof of that. I would include some of it here but fear I would be embarrassed later on.

TTC Status: CD14 and already in the 2ww!
Mental Status: Feeling positive and relieved
Energy Status: Still exhausted after our reunion weekend

"There is no such cozy combination as man and wife."
~Menander

A Hot 7th Anniversary (not the kind you imagine)

A dear old friend has come to visit. A friend that I did not miss and hoped to keep at bay for many, many years to come (or at least until menopause). Hot flashes have returned to my life. It's been about a year since I dealt with this. I'm not sure if irony is the best way to describe the fact that it has just so happened to align with the hottest months of the summer.... again! Oh well, it's not so bad. It just means waking up in a sweat, taking off whatever layers are between me and the fan and spreading each limb for maximum body surface-to-fan ratio. Hopefully it just means that the Clomid will do it's job in the follicle department.

In other news, Jason and I celebrated our 7th anniversary on Monday. Well I use the term "celebrated" loosely. We have yet to exchange cards or actually do anything other than me receiving a beautiful bouquet of red roses which are now adorning my kitchen table. The celebrating part will be in the weeks to come. Plans are still sketchy but definitely in the works. Probably just an evening out and a night in a hotel. I'm looking forward to it though, whatever it turns out to be.

Tomorrow we are off to Lubbock for a surprise birthday party for my Grandmother's 80th and a surprise reunion wrapped into one. The theme? Vegas. Better get my poker face ready.

TTC Status: Due for an ultrasound on Monday to check the follies
Mental Status: Excited to try something new
Side Effect Status: So far hot flashes are about it
Dinner Status: Leftover homemade veggie lasagna (yum)
SYTYCD Status: The finale starts tonight! Go Jeanine!

"She was inspired by a major hot flash and a bottle of wine."
~Kathi Glist
(This was in reference to the author of "Menopause the Musical". I seem to be missing the bottle of wine.)

Ethel's Revenge

Let me just try to sum up yesterday in the least amount of words as possible.

CD1, sharp pains, cramps, prescription pain killers (in vain), crying, floor, vomit (toilet, trash can), sweating, shaking, doctor's office, sonogram, functional cyst rupturing, fluid in pelvic culdesac, napping. Yes, that was yesterday.

After another horribly painful rupturing cyst, my doctor has decided to only allow me to take 50mg of Clomid. Evidently when I ovulate on the left side it's just going to hurt like hell. Just for fun it appears I've ovulated on the left side three consecutive cycles, thank you body. So basically more Clomid, equals more follicles, equals more cysts, equals me in horrible pain. I know the pain of one cyst rupturing, I seriously cannot, and do not, want to imagine the pain of any more than that. I'm now somewhat terrified of taking the Clomid since it's whole purpose is to help you ovulate more eggs each cycle. Let's just hope the right ovary is more cooperative than the left. Lucy, it's time to let Ethel know who is boss.

So tomorrow is the beginning of a new path. I start Clomid and our IUI cycle will be in full swing. So here we go.

From the end spring new beginnings.
~Pliny the Elder

Waiting

::tapping fingers to pass the time::

Please stand by. Waiting is not exactly the most fun part of ttc. And there sure is a lot of it that goes on.

Da Plan! Da Plan!

Houston, we have a plan. (Two quotes right off the bat? I'm on a roll.) My RE appointment was all that I hoped it would be and more. I went in there thinking we would take this one step at a time but my doctor is ready to make this happen and frankly, so am I. So, the plan...

-Baseline sonogram to check for cysts on CD1,2 or 3
-100mg Clomid (CD3-7)
-Monitor follicles until they are mature
-HCG trigger shot to induce ovulation
-IUI 36 hours later
-Wait, wait, wait...
-More waiting...
-Yes, more waiting, 2 weeks is forever when ttc
-Hopefully jump up and down (lightly) b/c we got a bfp

I thought I would want to take this slowly but after talking to my RE, I feel like his plan is a good plan. Enough waiting and seeing, enough taking this slowly, enough is enough! I walked out of the office feeling really good about what we are going to do and really positive about this next step. It feels right. On top of that I am so grateful to have a doctor that I trust.

So now it is just about waiting until I start. There is a very small part of me that is holding out hope that this won't be necessary but I'm not counting on it. At least this time I have something to look forward to. Hot flashes, bloating and insemination by catheter! Sounds fun to me!

(In regards to them "washing" the sperm before the IUI)

"Do they use a mild detergent?"
~Jason Minter, my adorable husband

Working for the Weekend

We just wrapped up a weekend filled with plenty of time with friends and family. It was really nice to be able to get together and just have fun with the people I love. It's the perfect way to get your mind off your wacky body. (Back to that in a second.) Friday was spent celebrating a friend's birthday. A good friend who I just don't get to see or talk to as much as I would like. Needless to say I enjoyed our night, so much so that we didn't get home until 2 am. Made me feel like maybe I'm not as old as I think I am sometimes. Then Saturday was spent with the family taking pictures at the Gaylord Texan. (See below) This was an anniversary present to our parents. What better way to celebrate a fabulous marriage than to capture the family they have created. After that we played some Texas Hold'em. Good, clean, gambling fun with the fam! Today we celebrated the brother in laws birthday. Weekends never seem quite long enough, do they?

Friday, out with friends



Saturday, family photos

As far as ovulation, I'm relying strictly on temps and those aren't much help these days. Just as a general rule, your chart should look more like a plateau and not a collection of mountains. Right now my chart is doing it's best impression of the Rockies. So, who knows. I will be seeing my RE in 2 days and that is all I can focus on right now.

TTC Status: CD 28, ovulation in question
Mental Status: Ready for the doc to give a girl (and a guy) a hand with this
Texas Hold'em Status: So a flush beats a straight and a straight beats a pair, right???

"The only reason why we ask other people how their weekend was is so we can tell them about our own weekend."
~Chuck Palahniuk

The Little Ovary That Might?

So, as it turns out my ovary's mantra is more like "I think I might be able to ovulate, sometime, somewhere in the future... not really sure when though. I'm gonna go take a nap."

(Forgive me in advance for the lack of quotations around the movie titles. I think that is the correct way to do it, but it just started to look silly so I left them out. My English teachers would be having a conniption.)

CD 22, still waiting. Instead of this being like the book The Little Engine That Could, it is more like the movie Neverending Story. Hey, at least my sense of humor hasn't abandoned me. Of course that reminds me of a scene in Garden State. (My life often reminds me of a scene in a movie or book. In fact, that actually reminds me of a scene in You've Got Mail when Kathleen Kelly is talking about that very thing and says, "Shouldn't it be the other way around?" Yes it should Kathleen. Yes it should.) Anyway... In Garden State Sam is talking about how she has to laugh at things in life, otherwise life will seem a lot longer than you like. She admits to crying, but in between, she laughs. So I'm in between today.

Green Tea Status: Lately I'm hooked on drinking the citrus one cold
Weather Status: 100's outside, hence the need for cold tea
Mental Status: Feeling sort of "whatever" right now

Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.
~Jessamyn West

I'm Disappointed in You Lucy

Quick update because I don't know where else to focus my bewilderment. Lucy and Ethel are really up to something.

CD 19 today and my OPK got lighter again. What the heck body? One OPK left and at this rate it won't be positive tomorrow. Definitely didn't miss it yet b/c I've been checking my temp and we are still at a cool 97.02 this morning.

Looks like this one maybe a shot in the dark. No pun intended. Well, that was supposed to be a little punny.

Frustration Status: Who can I hit?

Lucy, You've Got Some Splainin' to Do

Do you remember that book "The Little Engine that Could"? I can just hear that little engine in my head - "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can".

Well if my ovary could talk, it would have a similar mantra. (The right one that is. I'm putting my faith into Righty this month. What, you have a better name for my right ovary? Oh, maybe one could be Lucy and the other one Ethel. They were trouble makers, seems fitting.) I digress, back to my talking ovary. It's mantra has to be - "I think I can ovulate, I think I can ovulate, I think I can ovulate." As of today, CD 18, I finally got a little bit darker of a line on my OPK. Finally! It's not a positive, but at least I feel like something is going to happen sooner or later. I expect to get a positive in two days, just in time since I only have two OPK's left. I'm not sure why it is taking so long this time around. Yesterday I was not on speaking terms with my ovaries. It's a rocky relationship.

In other news, I tried to make frozen chocolate covered bananas today. Can we say failure? The first one turned out ok. The second one showed signs of things getting a bit iffy. The third one was a mess. The chocolate gummed up, was sliding off the banana, things got slimy... I had to scrap the whole plan. So in my freezer I have two lonely chocolate covered bananas with rainbow sprinkles (b/c sprinkles make everything better, remember?). I've already made plans with my baker friend for next Thursday to try this again. This will happen and we will succeed. It's not so much about me really wanting to eat them anymore, the craving sort of passed. No, it's about the feat. I will show those bananas who is boss. Pictures are a possibility so stay tuned.

Bananas are everywhere.
~Kayla and Elizabeth

Observations, Realizations, Prolongations

There is no cohesive theme to this post. Just randomness.

I think my dog is bulimic. Not to make light of a serious condition, but she has a problem. She makes herself throw up on a regular basis and I have no idea why. Manipulation to get more food? Possibly. This dog is so driven by food I wouldn't put it past her. In fact, a certain brother-in-law lovingly nicknamed her "food". Anyway, it usually happens around 5 in the evening. She stands by the door and it rarely fails that she will go eat some grass, walk to the back of the yard, sit down, start the heaving, then pukes. It's a bit if a ritual and I realized today I can basically predict this behavior. It's sad and a little annoying. I haven't come up with a cure for this yet. Well, besides the one time that she started the pre-vomit heaving in the house, Jason and I yelled at the top of our lungs and she stopped. No puke. I'm thinking that was a one time thing though. I don't think it would be humane or effective to start screaming at my dog as a form of attempted therapy.

The other day I was in Target and I heard a dad say to his son, "You're going to spill your carrots". For some reason I thought this sounded like a euphemism for throwing up.

Why all this talk of throwing up? Coincidental, so let's move on.

The Office is such a genius show. It is the only show I know of that can make you feel so uncomfortable for the characters involved. Even knowing it's purely fictional doesn't help. Michael Scott makes me want to die laughing while hiding under a table. Awkward is the word. And the pranks? Dwights desk in the bathroom, a stapler in jello, a cell phone in the ceiling? All genius.

I love Dr. Seuss more today than I did as a child. I enjoy his rhymes and his rhythm. Kanye doesn't even compare.

Little, round, rainbow sprinkles really improve a sweet. Put them on chocolate cake, vanilla ice cream, a doughnut or a chocolate covered frozen banana. They brighten things up and that crunch is irresistible. Go ahead and taste the rainbow.

Getting back to the intended purpose for this blog, my ovary is taking it's sweet time this month. Of course it chooses to do so when I'm on a schedule here. My RE appointment was scheduled for what should be the very end of this cycle (in order to allow me to test and see if said appointment is unnecessary, which is of course my hope). I can't delay the appointment without moving it to the next week because my doc will be out of town and that will most likely mean we would have to wait a whole other cycle till we can actually get the ball rolling. So, come on right ovary. You can do it, I know you can. Time to show us what you're made of. Give me a nice egg and lets make a baby.

TTC Status: CD 16, OPK lighter today than yesterday, what the heck?
Vacation Status: wanting one so so badly
M&M Status: I have way too many in my house, please come eat some

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm, easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
~Michael Scott, The Office

Time and Travel

Hello, it's July! Where has this year gone? It seems that while I've been living my life weeks at a time, months have gone by without me taking notice. It's hard to believe that this year is half over and we are creeping up on our 7th anniversary in August. (Seven years, however, doesn't seem like much compared the the 40 years my parents have just celebrated.) I wish I could say we had some exotic vacation planned but not this year. I'll just have to lay on my new carpet and pretend to be on white sands near a blue ocean. If I try really hard maybe I will even be able to hear the waves...

We did get to travel to New Mexico this last weekend. Jason's family had a reunion up there and it was beautiful. Great weather, gorgeous scenery, good times. We got to spend a little time in Santa Fe, did some hiking, did a zip line and just enjoyed being around family. Since pictures always speak better than words, enjoy.

We make these helmets look cool


And we're off!


Can I go again?


Hiking scenery


More beautiful scenery from our hike

TTC Status: CD 10, this is gonna be THE cycle, yes it is
Dog's Status: Likes the dry grass, evidently it feels good when you roll in it
Weather Status: Can I move to the mountains in New Mexico?
Music Status: So, these Kings of Leon fellows have some enjoyable songs

Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms of their energy, while cares will drop away from you like the
leaves of Autumn.
~John Muir

Hold on Hope

I'm still here.

I've been thinking about how to keep this blog going without it feeling like a place of perpetual deja vu. I don't want to come here and repeat myself each month. Each cycle it's the same story... I'm waiting to ovulate. Then, after 20 or so days of waiting, the magical ovulation takes place... and the waiting continues. I try to ignore the fact that I'm in the two week wait. I try to pretend I'm not noticing every twinge. Then at some point, I realize that we weren't successful once again. How many times can I say that it's hard to see pregnant women? How many times can I say that I miss being pregnant? How many times can I say that I wish I hadn't had a miscarriage? I'm sure as heck tired of it, I'm sure it gets old reading about it. But that is my life right now. I live it one cycle at a time.

Yesterday I was at the grocery store and I was contemplating how much trouble I would get in (and how crazy I would look) if I were to take something off the shelf and hurl it with all the force I could muster. At the same time I wanted to curl into a ball and burst into tears. Uh oh, I recognize these psychotic emotions. PMS. So, not only was I trying to deal with irrational anger and sadness, I was realizing that pms can only mean one thing. Really? Again? Why?

Looks like a visit to the doctor is just around the corner. I've already made an appointment but I haven't decided if I'm keeping it or if I'm going to push it back one more cycle. One more cycle could be the difference for us and that is always my hope. Hope is one of those things that seems to come and go these days. I guess it's always in there somewhere or I would give this up all together. Today I realized this is our 6th failed cycle of trying since the miscarriage. 7 is one of my favorite numbers... lucky number 7 is just around the corner, right? Right. Hope.

TTC Status: CD 30, 11 DPO, not even going to bother testing
Mental Status: better than yesteray...
Mom's Status: healing and doing better everyday!
Weather Status: hot, hot, hot

Perseverence is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did.
~Newt Gingrich

A Letter to My Angel

My Little Angel,

Today has been on my mind since September. When I found out I was pregnant with you, one of the first things I did was look to see when we would get to meet you. I got on the computer and typed in all the appropriate information. June 7th popped up as your expected birthday. That day came to represent the time when we would get to see your beautiful face, hold you, snuggle you... start our new life with you. I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. The sight of your little heart beating was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen and will ever see. Your size didn't matter, my love for you overwhelmed me. It still does. I thanked God over and over that he blessed us with you and I still do, even through the hurt. Finding out that we lost you broke my heart because we so desperately wanted you here with us. I still wonder why you didn't get to stay. It's hard not to think of what today could have been like and how different it turned out to be. Instead of meeting you we spent the day doing something just for you. We planted you a tree. It's going to be beautiful when it blooms and I like knowing that when I see this beautiful tree, I will think of you. Just like when I see my ring with your birthstone in it. Just like when I'm sitting quietly and you pop into my mind. Even when life distracts me, you are always in my heart. A heart that loves you just as much today as it did yesterday. I miss you, but I know you are safe and happy and someday I will get to meet you.

Love,
Mommy

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah is the word!

We got my mom's pathology report back yesterday and it was great news! The margins were clear and the lymph node did not show any traces of cancer. That is the best news I have received in quite a while and I am busy saying lots of thank you prayers.

Mom has made a lot of progress since leaving the hospital on Monday. Although, it really has been a two steps forward, one step back sort of process. My mom and dad are fortunate to have such wonderful neighbors who have been bringing them more food than they can eat. Aunt Donna also spent the week at their house to help however she could. Mom still has an appointment with an oncologist who may suggest she take a chemo like medicine to reduce the risk of cancer in the future. Ultimately it will be up to my mom to decide if she wants to put her body through that. I think we are all just breathing a huge sigh of relief that she is healthy and that her doctors have taken such great care of her.

This news has definitely made me feel like tomorrow will be easier to bear. Look for another post tomorrow, our angel's EDD.

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of year.
~Franklin Pierce Adams

Home Again

I spent the past five days in a place where health is remembered to be a blessing and having hair is just a bonus. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I enjoyed it... not by any means. But, there is a sort of kinship that you feel to everyone in the hospital. It was comforting in a way. Comforting to know that we are not the only ones dealing with a scary thing. All the people in that place have something in common. Cancer. Whether you are a doctor who treats it, a patient who has it, or a family member or friend who loves someone who does. It's not uncommon to see masks, IV stands or bald heads. I saw people who were obviously fragile from chemo and I am thankful that my mom does not resemble them. I felt sorry for them while realizing that pity isn't really a desired sentiment. You see that, if anything, cancer is not biased toward any group (something I've always known, but saw firsthand for the first time). It really is a time when laughter and a sense of humor are needed. In keeping with that spirit we have given my mom's new breast the beloved nickname of newbie bewbie (spelling error acknowledged).

Just to give a sense of the timeline-

On Wednesday my mom spent 7 1/2 hours in surgery. The first day of recovery went well, the second day was harder, the third day broke me. That was just a rough day for her. It's so hard to see someone you love feeling vulnerable, pain and just plain miserable. I was there for her, but even in my best efforts I still felt completley powerless and futile. Day four was a bit better. I'm home now and just got a call to find out that she is going home today (day five of recovery). I reminded her that she is strong in mind and spirit and that her body will catch up.

TTC Status: CD 13, been pretty relaxed this cycle, no temping, no opk's yet
MIL's Status: GONE!!! *happy dance* after two and a half weeks, it was time
Body's Status: pudgey (even after 3 days of boca burgers at the hospital), excersize needed
Dog's Status: sleepy after 5 days with her cousins (proof in picture below)
Husband's Status: glad to see him and pretty sure the feeling is mutual :)

If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
~F. Clark

On The Run

I'm headed to Houston today to be with my mom for her mastectomy. Right now I'm just running around trying to do all those last minute things.

Please keep her in your prayers.

Obviously last cycles was a bfn. That was our last chance to get pregnant before what our due date would have been, June 7th. That week is going to be a tough one for me, but I have something special planned that I will share later when I have more time. The cycle I have started now will be my last without help from my RE. I have put a lot of thought into it and that is what I feel like would be best for us at this point. We will see what comes of it all.

TTC Status: CD 7, let's make this cycle count!!!
Emotional Status: a little down, but that is to be expected
Mental Status: where is my brain? it's running in 5 different directions...
Dog's Status: nails trimmed, bathed and ready to stay with her cousin's for the week
MIL Status: ...still here...

Only Thing Missing is a Hammock

First of all, we need to set the mood. Play this song while you read todays post. I want you to sit back and relax.

I feel replenished today. I think that is what leisurely shopping can do for a girl.

Today was my Friday off and I was disappointed when I found out Jason would have to work since it was his off Friday too. It turned out to be a nice day though. First, a little trip to Ulta for some makeup necessities. I don't even wear that much makeup but that store makes me want to. Then off to Best Buy to finally spend my birthday gift card (after two months of carrying it around in my purse). I now own Fool's Gold so I can enjoy looking at two of my favorite things. Matthew McConaughey and blue ocean water. Yes, I'm married, but just think of him as a pretty piece of art.

Ooooh

Aaaah

I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yes, my day. Next it was a ramble through Sam Moon. (To "ramble" means to wander aimlessly or to take a course with many turns. If you have ever been in a Sam Moon than you realize I used that word with good reason.) Next came the grocery store. Not my favorite place, but I was still on my shopping high so I browsed the isles with ease.

Today was just what the doctor ordered. Can I have another please?

TTC Status: cd 28, 9dpo, don't feel a thing
Dog's status: loyally laying at my feet
Husband status: working too many hours lately
MIL status: at my house... hence the need for some time to myself

It is in his pleasure that a man really lives; it is from his leisure that he constructs the true fabric of self.
~Agnes Repplier

A Day for Mothers

Today is the day we celebrate mothers and all that they do. In some ways I feel like I am a mother, but a mother with empty arms and a heavy heart. A mother of an angel I can only dream of meeting some day. In other ways I feel like I have no rights to the word "mother". All week I have been wrestling with the emotions that have come with this day.

I think of what could be...
nine months pregnant
nursery coming together
showers, gifts, celebrating
big round belly
sonogram photos adorning the fridge
baby name books
anticipation for the arrival of our child

I think of the reality...
an aching in my heart
sadness, bitterness, desperation
a box with positive pregnancy tests, sympathy cards, and our baby's only picture
a dream that has yet to come true

What I'm thankful for...
My mother.
I have been so blessed to have a woman like her as my mom. I would try to go into all the reasons why I feel this way, but I'm not interested in inducing carpel tunnel at this time. Just know that I pray I can be a mother like her some day. I love her with all my heart and am so glad to not only call her my mom, but also a best friend.

I pray that next Mother's Day will be very different for me. I pray that ttc has not changed me forever. I pray that someday I will be able to heal this aching heart.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
~Tenneva Jordan

Waiting

I have this memory...

I'm probably 7 or 8 and I'm in the kitchen with my mom. My birthday is in a week or so and I can hardly stand the wait. I remember saying to my mom "But I wish my birthday was today! I want it to be my birthday now!". I'm sure she has some kind, motherly words of wisdom about how I would just have to wait and it would be here soon enough. It may have been true but that didn't necessarily make the wait any easier.

That's how I feel some days. It just hits me. I want to be pregnant now! I don't want to wait anymore. Yes, we've only been trying for two years and in the scheme of things that isn't all that long (although sometimes it feels like a lifetime). But in reality, I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. When we got married I knew we would wait a couple of years and I was very patient at first. Then after three or so years I started asking Jason, "So when do you think we could start trying? How about now?". When we started trying in April of 2007 I was so happy that my dream of being a mother would be a reality before too much longer. I felt like I had done all the waiting already. But I sit here now... still waiting.

I believe it will happen.

I do. I just want it to be now. God's answer is to wait and I am doing my absolute hardest to accept that answer with some grace.

You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience.
~Stanislaw J. Lec

Working for the Weekend

Well it's Monday again.

Jason and I had a nice long weekend together. Thursday evening we enjoyed some yummy Pei Wei which I had been planning and looking forward to all week. Friday and Saturday were spent working around the house at a leisurely pace (that seems to be our ONLY pace, but at least we are in sync). Saturday night we made homemade pizza which was delicious. Sunday was the best because we spent most of the day on a date. First it was taking in a hockey game by a local team who is in the finals. We cheered, we clapped, we stood on our feet. We were freezing (who would have thought sitting in front of a rink of ice would be cold... ?) and those metal benches made our butts ache, but we had a great time. It didn't hurt that our team won 6-2. We are planning on going to the game on Wednesday which we are hoping will be the game where they win it all. After the game we went to dinner at a nice Mexican restaurant for some sizzling fajitas.

There was no baby talk, no pregnancy talk, no ovulation talk. No "ifs", "whens" or "whys". Just a good time for two people who really enjoy each others company.

TTC Status: cd 17 and still waiting to ovulate.
Mental Status: feeling surprisingly patient
Weather Status: lovely outside today

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
~ Rita Rudner

Dreaming

I dream just about every night. I dream about anything and everything. Since we started ttc I have had a lot of dreams of us having a child. Always a girl though. For some reason I'd always been able to picture us with girls, but not boys. That was the case until our pregnancy anyway. I still feel in my heart that our little baby was a boy. The other night I dreamt that we had a baby boy. I can say with almost absolute certainty that I have never had a dream of us having a boy. I picked him up, snuggled him and gave him kisses. I was so incredibly happy.

I'm so ready for that dream to be real.

I'm so ready to not be this person anymore.

I'm ready to be happy again. Yes, I'm happy plenty of the time, but it's a fragile sort of happiness. A happiness that can be snatched away at any second. Sometimes I manage to push the sadness way back, all the way back to where I almost forget it's there. But I don't think I ever truly forget.

Fantastical Folate

If you are not interested in the ttc info then just skip down to the recipes. I promise they will not disappoint!

It doesn't take a lot of reading about ttc before you run across how important folate is in the very early stages of pregnancy. Getting plenty of folate early on will reduce a mother's risk of having a baby with neural tube defects, heart defects, cleft palate and other congenital malformations. In fact, it's best if you supplement up to a couple of months before you even start ttc. Folic acid is the synthetic form of the B vitamin that you will find in supplements and fortified foods. Folic acid is absorbed easier than naturally occurring folate, but folate provides other benefits that the supplements will not provide. If you are eating a food that is high in folate then you are likely getting some other vitamins, as well as fiber. Go here to get more information on the health benefits and a list of foods that are good sources of folate.

My recent focus has been on eating more spinach. It's been one of the easiest "folate foods" to work into my diet. Don't believe me? Spinach shake anyone? I'll get to that in a minute.

Southwest Chicken Bowl - This is a low calorie dish with lots of protein, some fiber and yummy fresh spinach of course!

Ingredients
2 teaspoons olive oil
1 pound chicken breast, chopped up small
1 large green pepper, chopped
1 Roma tomato
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/8 teaspoon ground cumin
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 cup of your favorite salsa
1 can pinto beans, rinsed and drained
- fresh spinach, torn up into bite sized pieces
- shredded Parmesan cheese

Directions
1) In nonstick skillet, heat olive oil on medium heat for 1 minute. Add chicken, chili powder, ground cumin, and salt. I like the chicken to be coated with the spices before I add the bell pepper and tomato, but you can add those veggies as soon as you get the spices mixed in with the chicken. Cook, stirring occasionally, until chicken looses pink color throughout. Stir in salsa and beans; cook 5 minutes to blend flavors and heat through.

2) Tear up spinach leaves and put into each person's bowl (however much you like). Spoon in chicken mixture and top with shredded Parmesan cheese if you like.

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A fellow blogger has a recipe for a spinach shake. I haven't actually tried this recipe yet (give me time!), but it gave me the idea to add spinach to my fruit smoothies. I never measure my smoothies, but it's hard to go wrong!

Ingredients
approx. 1/4 cup orange juice
approx. 1/4 cup low fat plain yogurt
banana
frozen strawberries
frozen blackberries
frozen blueberries
A handful of spinach (remove stems)


I find it is best to put in the orange juice, yogurt and spinach fist. Blend it well and then start to add the fruits one at a time, blending between each one. If you put everything in all at once then your blender will have a hard time chopping it all up. The first time I made this I was apprehensive about adding too much spinach. I did a taste test and ended up adding even more spinach because I really couldn't taste it!

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Make a salad with fresh spinach instead of iceberg lettuce (romaine would be a good alternative as well). I like to throw on some baby carrots, sliced almonds, feta cheese (which needs to be made from pasteurized milk) and a low fat dressing. Raw broccoli would be a great addition to this as well. Broccoli is not just a good source of folate, it also contains vitamin A, vitamin C, fiber and even some calcium.

I'm strong to the finish cause I eats me spinach..
~Popeye the Sailor Man

Spring Time is Clean Time

Twice a year I dig into the depths of my closet to make the summer and winter clothes exchange. It just so happened that our flooring project (and therefore cleaning project) has taken place at just the right time for the switch. Twice a year I make the same conclusion. I have too much crap. God was laughing when he created a pack rat sentimental fool who despises clutter. I'm constantly at battle with myself as I do my best to decipher what shall stay and what shall be donated or thrown away. A glimpse into my internal dialogue...

Oh, I forgot I had that shirt. How long have I had this? How long since I wore it last? It's been a while.... But what if I wake up one day and want to wear this shirt? Keep pile.

Ooh, that's dusty.

Why did I keep a purse with a broken strap?

Now these are nice boots. A little outdated, but I know I spent $70 on these puppies. Hmm, but that was when I was in high school. I've had these boots for 11 years. I haven't worn them in 5. They are pretty dusty. Ok, fine! Donation pile.

Oh, this is the box that my necklace came in that we bought in Grand Cayman! Do I really need the box? No, but it has the name of the business on it. What if I want to remember the name someday and this box was the only thing I had with the name on it? (The website is http://islandglassblowing.com/) Ok, now I can get rid of the box.

Where is the proper place to store a snorkel and mask? Fins?

Wow, I forgot I had so many hats. I have a lot of hats for a girl who rarely/never wears hats.

I have a lot of belts for a girl who rarely/never wears belts.

How many months until I have to do this again?

::big sneeze!::

People in Hawaii never have to do this. Hawaii sounds nice.

Cleaning your closet is one of those things that always gets worse before it gets better. It's also a commitment. If you stop halfway through then let's hope you left a path to get to your bed. Either that or you better have one heck of a long jump to clear it all.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the signifigace of a clean desk?
~Laurence J. Peter

Heavy

(As a preface to the following paragraph, and will soon be made very evident, I did not get pregnant this cycle.)

I've been sitting here, cursor blinking, staring into space and trying to figure out what I want to say. When I come here to update on what is going on, I usually have some outline in my head. Not this time. Basically there has been one thing weighing on my mind for quite sometime and that is the fact that we are trying everything we can to have a baby. Sometimes, I swear, I can physically feel it weighing on my body. I feel it on my face when I try to smile even though I'm sad. I feel it in my step when I am trying to go about my daily life. It's just like the physical hurt I feel from our loss. It actually makes my heart ache. With all that said, there are plenty of times that I am distracted form this burden that I carry. Unfortunately it is one of those haunting thoughts that can reemerge without the slightest warning and there are plenty of reminders that pop up in our daily lives. Even an innocent trip to look at washers and dryers can bring about the innocuous question of "Do you have kids?". And there we go again.

Now we are dealing with my mom having breast cancer. Even now, after more than a month of knowing this fact, I still cannot believe that I'm typing those words. She did have a lumpectomy, but due to the cancer not being contained like they once thought, she will now be having a mastectomy. I thought my body felt heavy before... All weekend I've been commenting on how tired I am. It must be a side effect from all that extra weight.

Lately I have had people reminding me to let God carry my burdens. This will be my focus as I try and deal with all that we have going on right now.

Everyone has his burden; what counts is how you carry it.
~Joe Brown and David Brown

New Floors!

Here are the pictures I promised. I am exhausted, but very happy to have new floors.

Bathroom Before - Carpet in the bathroom is so gross!


Bathroom After


Dining Room Before


Dining Room After - Hand scraped wood


Entry Before


Entry After - Same wood as dining room


Kitchen After (I forgot to get a before picture, but it was plain white tile. You can see a bit of it in the dining room before picture.)


A very tired puppy resting on the dusty blankets that covered our furniture. She looks like how I feel!